Mann co und panzer
by TheFleet
Summary: Darjeeling get's a job with Mann Co. To defend the faculties with 9 gun-totting lunatics. Thankfully, it's a good thing she has a "little" something up her own sleeve with her two best friends.
1. Chapter 1

There were many rumors and conspiracy theories over what truly went on in the world. Many, like space aliens, demons and magic that manipulated our governments… were…. Well…. Wrong.

There was one theory however, that global companies had long begun to pull the strings on the governments of the world.

This was true.

And in no such case, was it any truer for two such organizations. Builders league United, and Reliable Excavation and Demolition.

But…. Of course… this all changed when Gray Co. had begun its invasion. The mercenary armies teams that served BLU and RED were disbanded, only to be once again found and hired again by Saxton Hale, the owner of Mann Co. His company was now under attack by the robotic armies of Gray.

The war had gone…. Well…. At a stalemate. The robots failed to breach any of Mann Co.'s major facilities, but at the same time, they never seemed to be getting any smaller.

And the mercenaries that now served Mann. Co outnumbered by the thousands, never gave up. Some… it was for the glory and thrill of battle, others it was for the paycheck, which was quite hefty… they were the best of the best after all and their services never came cheap.

Speaking of coming cheap, Saxton Hale soon realized that this new Gray horde was costing him A TON of money.

This bothered him. How could these machines be causing so much problem? I mean… it's only costing a TON of money to repair every damaged facility and to fund the war against the robots.

So Hale, believing that he needed to tip the balances in his own favor, worked out a plan. But first…

What was the biggest problem in every army of robots?

"Those BIG DAMN TANKS!"

"TANK!"

"TAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNKKKKK!"

"TANNK!"

"Zhe Tank!"

And that... that... those damn tanks were the root of his problems. Now then... back to shark wrestling and boxing gorillas.

* * *

Darjeeling looked through the newspapers once again. It had been six weeks since she's graduated and still yet, she needed a job. Fast.

Lab assistant? Too bad she wasn't a chemist.

Architect? Not much of an engineer

Courier? She had to walk long was pretty bad on it's own.

Pyrotechnics? Too low wages.

Enlist in the military? No need for that.

Construction worker? Stopped reading after "heavy lifting".

Bird watcher? Seriously?

Police officer? Too bad London Police Department wasn't looking for any more hands.

Bartender? She hated the smell of alcohol.

She went through the first page, then the second, then the third. No. No. No! There was... NOTHING!

That did irk her enough to make her roll her eyes, but she quickly came back to it and poured herself another cup of tea. It would be about another forty minutes of reading before she came to the article.

"Required: Expert with tanks. Help wanted. Mann Co. We sell products and get into fights. Signed: Saxton Hale"

The wages were good. Almost seven figures. The company was indeed a large one, sold hats, accessories, fish, milk?, guns... pretty much everything. Darjeeling herself recalled buying hats from some of their stores. They certainly had the right idea when it came to keeping the word proper in the phrase "Proper Englishwomen." But... why do they need an expert with tanks? Something felt somewhat off... and description had said.

"Hazardous work environments."

Darjeeling looked over at her options again.  
This really was no contest. She looked at the address. Quickly, she got to work. If they needed an expert with tanks... and the work environment was hazardous...

Perhaps it might be a good idea to start using some old skills.

* * *

[1 week later]

"Ms. Darjeeling?"

In her typical dainty fashion, Darjeeling... not too quickly, yet not too slowly got up and followed the woman to the room where they would be conducting her interview. The place reeked of the smell of cigarettes. Her interviewer, was an aged woman in a purple dress and... of course, smoking about a metric ton worth of cigarettes. She gave a small gesture for Darjeeling to sit down before proceeding any further.

"So... Miss Darjeeling... I see you've written about yourself. You graduated from Saint. Gloriana's Girl's Academy?"

"Yes Ma'am."

"And you have experience in regards with things... unpleasant things... like warfare... tanks... and things that explode?"

"Yes Ma'am." Darjeeling said remembering her days of tankery... which was about less than 2 months worth of memory lane.

"And you are well prepared for... anything?"

"Yes Ma'am!" Darjeeling said. Her first job was working as a maintenance worker on probably the world's most faulty pipeline. She had quit on day 2 because... for some reason... the pipes kept exploding every literal few hours.

"Then here's the contract. Sign here." Helen, the administrator and the interviewer said as she slipped her a sheet of paper. Darjeeling needed no second bidding. She placed her signature upon it and handed it back.

"Oh and... Miss Darjeeling?"

"Yes?"

"Your plane leaves at 10:00 AM tomorrow at the address I gave you. Don't be late."

"Okay. Umm... I have a rather large thing that I need to bring with me. Is that okay?"  
"Sure. How much does it weigh?"

"About 25 tons..."

"Well... okay then. You're in luck. Just barely though. Never push it."

_Well. That was easy._ Darjeeling thought to herself as she left the building. She smiled brightly to the sun as she felt it's gentle rays caress her. This was going to be a good.

Helen on the other hand, smiled to herself. They were always too foolish to as much as read the small print. This new woman was going to have quite the time with this job.

Come to think of it, it wasn't really the job in itself. It was probably the 9 lunatics she'd end having to put up with.

Good thing Helen left out the part that Darjeeling had been the only applicant for this job.

Though one thing for sure is... what did Darjeeling do exactly? And what was it she was bringing with her?

25 tons. You'd think she'd be carrying more guns that the rest of the team combined. Helen of course, did make sure to include that her safety was not guaranteed and that she'd need to give herself ample protection. Though... what weighed 25 tons?


	2. Chapter 2

[Big Rock. 4:30 PM The next day]

"Be ready to Mann up!"

"INCOMING!"

"Yo, Incoming!"

The incoming rocket fire forced Soldier and Scout to both duck their heads to avoid being shredded apart by the incoming explosives. Gingerly, scout poked his head out to look at the dozens of advancing robots.

"This sucks on ice! We are screwed!"

"Shut up maggot! Time to give these tin can's hell!" Soldier said as he loaded his rocket launcher and readied a canteen.

"I am with ya Soldier!"

"Good! Let's fight like men, son!"

Using his Uber canteen and screaming like a madman, Soldier leapt out in front of the dozens of robots in front of him, sending off several rockets, thinning out the horde. Yet as one robot was blown into scrap metal, two more took it's place. Pretty soon, Soldier was forced back from the advancing scouts and soldiers, having to retreat back into the rock with Scout.

"I thought you said you were with me!" Soldier yelled angrily. "What's the matter son! You want to live forever or something?! Fight for god's sake! For AMERICA!"

"But... but... BIG ROBOT!"

The sound of the giant footsteps were rather hard to miss. The two were able to get just a glimpse at the mechanical monstrosity before scrambling away in a most undignified retreat from the hailstorm of minigun fire. The two located the wooden shack used as a forward base of operations and dove in, not too eager to stay outside with the giant heavy.

"INCOMING! BIG ROBOT!" Soldier yelled as he ran back to the rest of his team.

"Don't worry mate! I got this big head wanker right where I want him!"

The Australian assassin took his shot, an easy target for one as experienced as him. The giant heavy's head exploded in a magnificent shower of sparks and fell down like a hunk of iron.

"See? No problem!"

"We've got more trouble lad!" Demoman screamed as he pointed at the rest of the robot horde.

"Give 'em hell boys! No quarter!" Soldier screamed as he finished loading his weapons. "Let's give these tin cans hell!"

"Ah, hello! Are you forgetting someone?" A german doctor asked as he aimed his medi-gun at Soldier.

"Doc! Where's Engie, Pyro, Spy and Heavy?!"

"Zey are defending the other side! I came here to help you!" Medic replied as he fired his heal-beam from his kritzkrieg.

"Very well!" Soldier said. "Charge me Doc!"

"Go get them!"

Soldier burst from the windows and watched as his rocket launcher glowed bright red. Pulling the trigger, he unleashed his barrage of red missiles at the robots, tearing up the Gray Horde once again. Out from the corner of his eye, he spotted a lone scout trying to escape with the bomb.

"Scout! Go kill that robot!"

"On it boss!" Scout said as he sprinted after the straggler.

"Demoman! You're with me! We kill these tincans! Sniper, you stay back! Cover us!"

The trio continued to advance, sending rockets and grenades into the oncoming horde as sniper picked off and threats to his teammates. Slowly but surely, the fight was going well for the mercs.

"Robot destroyed!" Scout said as he came running back. Taking his bat, he sent a pyro's head flying as if it were a baseball. "Dat's what I am talking about!"

"TANK! KILL IT!"

"Damn it boys!"

"Gah! Those scrap heaps aren't holding back any more now lads!"

The sounds of a makeshift wooden barrier were shattering as a massive box on treads approached them.

"OPEN FIRE!" Soldier yelled. Not one millisecond after those words left his mouth, it was snowing rockets, bullets and grenades on the tank. This kind of firepower would have shredded any robot battalion yet... it hardly as much as scratched the paint.

"Again! Give it all you got boys!" Soldier ordered as they doubled their attack, only succeeding in making an almost negligible dent in the tank.

"It's getting away!" Demoman announced as he drew eyelander and sprinted after the tank and jumped on it, hoping that the cursed blade could somehow destroy the tank with it's magic. It hardly as much as made a scratch in the paint.

"Bloody hell!"

"The tank is almost to the hatch!"

"This is bad! This is real bad! This is so..."

"Shut up and keep moving, we gotta stop that tank!" Soldier cried. "Where's everyone else?!"

"Right here soldier boy!" Engineer announced as he popped out from his hiding place.  
"We kicked those tin cans back to their mommas! Now then... let's take care of this here metal box!"

"Tank is not so big!"

"Gentlemen? The tank?"

Soldier smiled. "Let's give that delivery box hell!"

Screaming war cries and threats, the nine mercenaries charged at the tank. It was getting ever so closer to the hatch, yet it was quite worse for wear. The armor was now in pieces, and the treads were in rather bad shape.

"Alert! The tank is deploying it's bomb!"

"Bah! Not good!"

"Doc! KRITS NOW!"

The medic nodded and prepared to give him the charge.

"I really hit rock bottom." Demoman slurred as medic finished healing. As soon as the medic finished healing the last of his injuries, he instantly became sober just like that. "Thank ye doctor."

"Next!"

"Man... I cannot believe this!" Scout said. "We killed the tank!"

"It was quite fortunate the bomb missed the hole." Spy said as he dusted himself off, his suit in tatters. "It was not fortunate that the bomb rolled right towards US."

"It is sad day." Heavy said quietly nibbling at a chocolate bar. "We lose... but they do not win?"

Just then... the doors to the infirmary went flying open. It was Miss Pauling and another young woman of average height and elegant posture. The two looked around at the infirmary.

"Are we interrupting something?"

"Hai Miss Pau..."

"Save it Scout. Now then... gentlemen... so I've heard about your most dreadful mishap that happened just today. If I recall correctly, it involved a tank?"

"It certainly did." Sniper said.

"Well, I am glad, and Hale's glad that his facility is at least in one piece. See here? This is Miss Darjeeling. She is joining your team." The moment those words left her mouth, Miss Pauling left the room and left Darjeeling with the rest of the team.

Depending who you were, you reacted rather differently the the news. To some like Medic, Sniper and the Demoman, they resumed doing what they were doing, almost as if they didn't care. To the soldier, he was fuming underneath yet only muttered to himself. To heavy, he only complained about "a sick man".

But of course, if you were Engie, you took an interest in this newcomer and greeted her as well as introduced herself. If you were Scout, you were in your corner drooling all over the place. If you were spy, you were planning and eyeing. And of course, if you were pyro, you greeted this newcomer with a warm hug. A bit too warm as Darjeeling might say.

"Now Pyro, we know you're excited... but you gotta keep your hands to yourselves you know."

Pyro let go of Darjeeling, and walked away with slumped shoulders and making sad mumbling noises.

"Well, wasn't that rather harsh?"

Her voice... her voice! It was just like listening to the sound of silk. Beautiful, every bit of it.

"Not at all! You see miss, me and pyro are good friends! Aren't we fella!"

"Mhm!"

"Does he not talk?"

"No he don't. Never spoke a word since day one." Sniper commented.

"Blimey. So how do you understand the fella?"

"We don't..."

"Oh..."

"Enough gossiping ladies!" Soldier said as he walked over. "Now then miss, what is your function around here?!"

"Rather loud aren't we mate?" Darjeeling said calmly, not the slightest bit scared of the six foot tall loud American in front of her. "Wait... are you American?"

"I indeed am Miss! And you are a Brit!?"

"Proud to be British good chap!" Darjeeling replied. "Now you wanted to ask me what my job is around here?"

"I indeed did Miss! And from now on you will refer to me as SIR! You understand that?!"

"Sir?"

"Yes! Just like that! Now tell me Miss, what are you going to be doing around here?!"

"Well... sir..." Darjeeling said grinding on the word "sir" like it was an insult. "I heard you have a minor problem with a think called a tank?"

"Yes! Tank is big! Tank is strong! Tank is like heavy! Heavy can kill tank! Only... this time... tank's bomb almost kill entire team."

"I see that's one thing we agree on." Darjeeling said smiling. Like a shining star in the ethereal night sky. "Come with me. I'll show you. It's in the garage."

"Matilda II, a rather fine specimen of a machine isn't it?" Darjeeling asked as she pulled the tarp off the tank. She had made sure to keep the thing clean all this time, all ripe for usage.

"What did you say your job was again?"

"Mr. Hale told me that their tanks were giving you lot quite some issues. I am here to do something about that. Matilda will help me on that part!"

Darjeeling climbed up the tank and perched upon it's turret.

"Chuffed eh... sir?"

Soldier was rather lost for words. Instead, all he could do was stare before snapping back into it.

"Well..."

"I like this gun..." Heavy said admiring the main gun.

"Still needs some work." Darjeeling replied. She had been told that she would have to operate the entire thing herself, normally a four-man job. Some... modifications may need to be made.

"Well boys... it looks them dang tanks won't be a problem any longer." Engineer said. "I dunno 'bout you boys, but I think having Miss Darjeeling here will be of great he

[Big Rock. 4:30 PM The next day]

"Be ready to Mann up!"

"INCOMING!"

"Yo, Incoming!"

The incoming rocket fire forced Soldier and Scout to both duck their heads to avoid being shredded apart by the incoming explosives. Gingerly, scout poked his head out to look at the dozens of advancing robots.

"This sucks on ice! We are screwed!"

"Shut up maggot! Time to give these tin can's hell!" Soldier said as he loaded his rocket launcher and readied a canteen.

"I am with ya Soldier!"

"Good! Let's fight like men, son!"

Using his Uber canteen and screaming like a madman, Soldier leapt out in front of the dozens of robots in front of him, sending off several rockets, thinning out the horde. Yet as one robot was blown into scrap metal, two more took it's place. Pretty soon, Soldier was forced back from the advancing scouts and soldiers, having to retreat back into the rock with Scout.

"I thought you said you were with me!" Soldier yelled angrily. "What's the matter son! You want to live forever or something?! Fight for god's sake! For AMERICA!"

"But... but... BIG ROBOT!"

The sound of the giant footsteps were rather hard to miss. The two were able to get just a glimpse at the mechanical monstrosity before scrambling away in a most undignified retreat from the hailstorm of minigun fire. The two located the wooden shack used as a forward base of operations and dove in, not too eager to stay outside with the giant heavy.

"INCOMING! BIG ROBOT!" Soldier yelled as he ran back to the rest of his team.

"Don't worry mate! I got this big head wanker right where I want him!"

The Australian assassin took his shot, an easy target for one as experienced as him. The giant heavy's head exploded in a magnificent shower of sparks and fell down like a hunk of iron.

"See? No problem!"

"We've got more trouble lad!" Demoman screamed as he pointed at the rest of the robot horde.

"Give 'em hell boys! No quarter!" Soldier screamed as he finished loading his weapons. "Let's give these tin cans hell!"

"Ah, hello! Are you forgetting someone?" A german doctor asked as he aimed his medi-gun at Soldier.

"Doc! Where's Engie, Pyro, Spy and Heavy?!"

"Zey are defending the other side! I came here to help you!" Medic replied as he fired his heal-beam from his kritzkrieg.

"Very well!" Soldier said. "Charge me Doc!"

"Go get them!"

Soldier burst from the windows and watched as his rocket launcher glowed bright red. Pulling the trigger, he unleashed his barrage of red missiles at the robots, tearing up the Gray Horde once again. Out from the corner of his eye, he spotted a lone scout trying to escape with the bomb.

"Scout! Go kill that robot!"

"On it boss!" Scout said as he sprinted after the straggler.

"Demoman! You're with me! We kill these tincans! Sniper, you stay back! Cover us!"

The trio continued to advance, sending rockets and grenades into the oncoming horde as sniper picked off and threats to his teammates. Slowly but surely, the fight was going well for the mercs.

"Robot destroyed!" Scout said as he came running back. Taking his bat, he sent a pyro's head flying as if it were a baseball. "Dat's what I am talking about!"

"TANK! KILL IT!"

"Damn it boys!"

"Gah! Those scrap heaps aren't holding back any more now lads!"

The sounds of a makeshift wooden barrier were shattering as a massive box on treads approached them.

"OPEN FIRE!" Soldier yelled. Not one millisecond after those words left his mouth, it was snowing rockets, bullets and grenades on the tank. This kind of firepower would have shredded any robot battalion yet... it hardly as much as scratched the paint.

"Again! Give it all you got boys!" Soldier ordered as they doubled their attack, only succeeding in making an almost negligible dent in the tank.

"It's getting away!" Demoman announced as he drew eyelander and sprinted after the tank and jumped on it, hoping that the cursed blade could somehow destroy the tank with it's magic. It hardly as much as made a scratch in the paint.

"Bloody hell!"

"The tank is almost to the hatch!"

"This is bad! This is real bad! This is so..."

"Shut up and keep moving, we gotta stop that tank!" Soldier cried. "Where's everyone else?!"

"Right here soldier boy!" Engineer announced as he popped out from his hiding place.  
"We kicked those tin cans back to their mommas! Now then... let's take care of this here metal box!"

"Tank is not so big!"

"Gentlemen? The tank?"

Soldier smiled. "Let's give that delivery box hell!"

Screaming war cries and threats, the nine mercenaries charged at the tank. It was getting ever so closer to the hatch, yet it was quite worse for wear. The armor was now in pieces, and the treads were in rather bad shape.

"Alert! The tank is deploying it's bomb!"

"Bah! Not good!"

"Doc! KRITS NOW!"

The medic nodded and prepared to give him the charge.

"I really hit rock bottom." Demoman slurred as medic finished healing. As soon as the medic finished healing the last of his injuries, he instantly became sober just like that. "Thank ye doctor."

"Next!"

"Man... I cannot believe this!" Scout said. "We killed the tank!"

"It was quite fortunate the bomb missed the hole." Spy said as he dusted himself off, his suit in tatters. "It was not fortunate that the bomb rolled right towards US."

"It is sad day." Heavy said quietly nibbling at a chocolate bar. "We lose... but they do not win?"

Just then... the doors to the infirmary went flying open. It was Miss Pauling and another young woman of average height and elegant posture. The two looked around at the infirmary.

"Are we interrupting something?"

"Hai Miss Pau..."

"Save it Scout. Now then... gentlemen... so I've heard about your most dreadful mishap that happened just today. If I recall correctly, it involved a tank?"

"It certainly did." Sniper said.

"Well, I am glad, and Hale's glad that his facility is at least in one piece. See here? This is Miss Darjeeling. She is joining your team." The moment those words left her mouth, Miss Pauling left the room and left Darjeeling with the rest of the team.

Depending who you were, you reacted rather differently the the news. To some like Medic, Sniper and the Demoman, they resumed doing what they were doing, almost as if they didn't care. To the soldier, he was fuming underneath yet only muttered to himself. To heavy, he only complained about "a sick man".

But of course, if you were Engie, you took an interest in this newcomer and greeted her as well as introduced herself. If you were Scout, you were in your corner drooling all over the place. If you were spy, you were planning and eyeing. And of course, if you were pyro, you greeted this newcomer with a warm hug. A bit too warm as Darjeeling might say.

"Now Pyro, we know you're excited... but you gotta keep your hands to yourselves you know."

Pyro let go of Darjeeling, and walked away with slumped shoulders and making sad mumbling noises.

"Well, wasn't that rather harsh?"

Her voice... her voice! It was just like listening to the sound of silk. Beautiful, every bit of it.

"Not at all! You see miss, me and pyro are good friends! Aren't we fella!"

"Mhm!"

"Does he not talk?"

"No he don't. Never spoke a word since day one." Sniper commented.

"Blimey. So how do you understand the fella?"

"We don't..."

"Oh..."

"Enough gossiping ladies!" Soldier said as he walked over. "Now then miss, what is your function around here?!"

"Rather loud aren't we mate?" Darjeeling said calmly, not the slightest bit scared of the six foot tall loud American in front of her. "Wait... are you American?"

"I indeed am Miss! And you are a Brit!?"

"Proud to be British good chap!" Darjeeling replied. "Now you wanted to ask me what my job is around here?"

"I indeed did Miss! And from now on you will refer to me as SIR! You understand that?!"

"Sir?"

"Yes! Just like that! Now tell me Miss, what are you going to be doing around here?!"

"Well... sir..." Darjeeling said grinding on the word "sir" like it was an insult. "I heard you have a minor problem with a think called a tank?"

"Yes! Tank is big! Tank is strong! Tank is like heavy! Heavy can kill tank! Only... this time... tank's bomb almost kill entire team."

"I see that's one thing we agree on." Darjeeling said smiling. Like a shining star in the ethereal night sky. "Come with me. I'll show you. It's in the garage."

"Matilda II, a rather fine specimen of a machine isn't it?" Darjeeling asked as she pulled the tarp off the tank. She had made sure to keep the thing clean all this time, all ripe for usage.

"What did you say your job was again?"

"Mr. Hale told me that their tanks were giving you lot quite some issues. I am here to do something about that. Matilda will help me on that part!"

Darjeeling climbed up the tank and perched upon it's turret.

"Chuffed eh... sir?"

Soldier was rather lost for words. Instead, all he could do was stare before snapping back into it.

"Well..."

"I like this gun..." Heavy said admiring the main gun.

"Still needs some work." Darjeeling replied. She had been told that she would have to operate the entire thing herself, normally a four-man job. Some... modifications may need to be made.

"Well boys... it looks them dang tanks won't be a problem any longer." Engineer said. "I dunno 'bout you boys, but I think having Miss Darjeeling here will be of great help!"

"Yeah... yeah!" Scout agreed weakly, still staring at the englishwoman. Still drooling.

"I like these guns... not like the baby guns entire team uses..." Heavy muttered to himself as he glanced at the tank once more.

"The robots will be in for it now lads!"

"Bloody beaut... just like her owner..."

Soldier just once again lost it. Just back in the corner. Drooling and muttering.

"mhmhmh... tank...mhmhm...killing nazis...mhmh..."

"Yeah... yeah!" Scout agreed weakly, still staring at the englishwoman. Still drooling.

"I like these guns... not like the baby guns entire team uses..." Heavy muttered to himself as he glanced at the tank once more.

"The robots will be in for it now lads!"

"Bloody beaut... just like her owner..."

Soldier just once again lost it. Just back in the corner. Drooling and muttering.

"mhmhmh... tank...mhmhm...killing nazis...mhmh..."


	3. Chapter 3

[The next day, Bigrock, 6:30 AM]

"Rise and shine." Darjeeling muttered to herself as she got out of bed and glanced out the window. She had been here for one day, and she was already missing her apartment back in London. But what she wouldn't be missing, was Matilda.

She got dressed quickly. Funny. Last night, she had nearly taken Spy's suit. She quickly realized she had grabbed his clothes when it was about a few sizes too large and a partially dressed frenchman was wondering why she had taken his clothes. Not that he seemed to mind too much, only asking her to ask before "borrowing" and things.

Quite the character that one was. Just loved the way he dressed, the way he spoke, and the way he handled himself. A proper gentleman. She always liked men who were of a high class and high standard. She wondered if her impression was as good as the one she made.

Probably not. Considering she had taken his clothes and hadn't realized it until she already put them on. This was only made worse by the fact that spy had to walk in his underwear to where Darjeeling was dressing. Awkward. Then to be fair, their clothes were almost exactly the same if one disregarded size.

Spy, normally never removed his mask. But today, he had his mask off, looking at himself in the mirror. His age still didn't show... wait a minute... no one's age exactly showed. Okay then... weird. He should probably be considering retirement, yet somehow... even at his age, he was still strong and fit.

Perhaps Medic had something to do with the fact that they all weren't either dead or retired yet. Soldier was probably in his sixties, yet still looked like a man in his prime and could still fight like one.

He thought about last night, about how Darjeeling had accidentally taken his clothes and how he accidently took her clothes. He knew something was up when there was a box of tea and a small mirror in his pockets. Being a proper gentleman, Spy made sure to walk over there and tell her of their slight mix up.

It was rather awkward of him to be in nothing but a undershirt and boxers speaking to a girl that was dressing, but that would have been nothing had Darjeeling went over to tell him of their mixup. He got dressed with everyone else and that really would have been odd for her... perhaps a bit frightening considering how Soldier is more intimidating with his helmet off. The guy only looked idiotic with his helmet on... though how he managed to tell where his enemies were even though they covered his eyes... that...

Bah, enough of last night. Spy got dressed. Placed his revolver and his knife in his pocket and went outside. He was in the mood for breakfast.

So was Darjeeling... there was a lot he had to tell her. But one thing he never would say is how he had planned everything last night.

Darjeeling quietly sung to herself as she popped in some toast and began brewing the tea. Enough for everybody hopefully. Except for Heavy. That man had the constitution of a brick wall and the appetite of a dozen men. The man always seemed to make a point about his size.

She giggled. That reminded her of something she knew and was probably the polar opposite. How was Katyusha doing right now anyways? Hopefully fine.

Darjeeling finished setting the long table that mercs ate at. The wooden thing looked like it had been through a lot. Probably true considering that she could have sworn she saw bullet holes through the table. They were lacking a tablecloth, so she decided to use some plates to cover up the rather less appealing parts of the table.

Turning around, she ran face to face into the spy.

"Oh hello..." Spy said as the two bumped straight into each other. He could smell the aroma of freshly made toast.

"Hello yourself!" Darjeeling said cheerfully, not trying to act embarrassed.

"Making breakfast?" Spy asked as he looked over her shoulder. "Toast is it?"

"Aye. Some tea too."

"Hmm... that sounds good. Don't worry your head over making breakfast for many of these ungrateful slobs. Most of them have less than healthy eating habits anyways."

"Oh?"

"But thanks anyways. Very thoughtful of you. I'll brew the coffee... and... you set the table! Excellen! That leaves so little left!"

Darjeeling giggled as she saw the spy take a low bow and seat her like some waiter at a classy restaurant.

Scout woke up that morning to find Spy and Darjeeling chatting away as the two sat at the table.

"You lousy bastard!" Scout silently screamed. This new chick was just so TOTALLY his type. Why the hell did that shape-shifting rat have to screw things up?!

He walked over the the chatting pair, doing his best not to be angry. Now, now, first impressions are always the most important.

"Hey fellas!" Scout announced as he sat down too. "Toast? Awesome... but needs pancakes!"

"Make it yourself." Spy said coldly as he sipped a cup of coffee and spread the butter on his toast.

"Humph..." Scout mumbled as he went to the kitchen.

"You know... maybe that wasn't a good idea..." Spy muttered.

"Why not?"

"You know... his cooking skills are good enough to wake up pyro..." Spy said. At least pyro was a good cook... though never... ate... never saw him eating once. Or was he a she? Or an it? Who knew?

"Pyro... he's the..."

"The guy in the suit? Yes... obsessed with fire... always laughing when he set his opponents on fire... he is a soulless monster!"

"Well... that's rather... why not consider the nature of his and all our jobs?"

"You're on day one mademoiselle... before... we would blast EACH other to bits..."

"Wait... what?"

"Aye... there's this thing that allows us to... respawn if we get killed... though the robots are pretty bad at killing us... so we never use that too often."

"How does this "respawn" thingummy even work?"

"No one's even sure. All I know is that right when I die, I get to come back to life." Spy said. "A new and carbon copy of myself is placed right in the spawn room... which is located right in the lobby of this facility. Convenient so that we may quickly move back into the fi..."

"And I am back fellas!" Scout said holding a plate of some black discs.

"What is that rubbish?!" Darjeeling asked breaking out of any manners over the absolutely repulsive smell coming from the plates. Spy quickly excused himself to go to the bathroom. The sounds of him hurling would be somewhat audible.

"Pancakes! You ever have them in England?"

"Yes! But that looks nothing like pancakes! Nothing at all!"

"Well... ah... yeah. You see... my pancakes are... are... AWESOME! Here... want to try some?"

"I suppose a little bite won't hurt..." Darjeeling said, unable to find a way to say "no" to the enthusiastic bostonian. She picked a small crusty piece of this rock. And took a bite.

It took all her willpower not to vomit at the spot.

"Not bad... not bad..." Darjeeling said turning a bit pale. Scout, grinned to himself and sat down, eating his pancakes.

Now that made her want to throw up. She too quickly excused herself to go grab the tea. A little something to cool her nerves.

"It's tea time Doctor!" A certain heavy russian said as he took the tea from the stove.

"I prefer coffee first zing zis early." Medic mumbled as he grabbed some of the coffee Spy brewed. "Gut morning frau Darjeeling... I hope your nacht was pleasant... ja?"

"It was simply lovely!" Darjeeling said.  
No, the bed felt rough, the room was colder than siberia and she was still jetlagged. It was simply awful. This better have be worth it in the end.

"Well, I am glad you enjoyed your night. The days are rather rough... assuming that zos robots are knocking on our doors." The medic said. "Coffee?"

"No thank you. I prefer tea..." Darjeeling said turning at the big man with the awkwardly small teapot.

"Heavy? Frau Darjeeling would like some tea."

"Da." The Russian replied as he poured her a cup, surprisingly graceful for a big brute his size.

"Do you have anything to say Heavy?" Medic asked impatiently as if he had to remind him to mind his manners.

"Yes! You are the only one in entire team besides Heavy not to use baby guns!"

"I beg your pardon?"

"Heavy likes your weapon! It's big! Like Heavy! It's dangerous! Like Heavy! It's... it's... it's like Heavy! It's good weapon!"

"What?"

"He's referring to your panzer. That fine machine... Soldat is very jealous."

"Well... I certainly did suspect that when I caught him drooling in the corner." Darjeeling said. "And mumbling about killing nazis... Doctor... are you German?"

"Oh I am! I also vas NOT among zhose Dummkopfs! You see, I am a man of science! Those schweinehunds only knew how to shoot a gun and get shot at by guns!"

"Well... I am glad that Soldier doesn't..."

"Oh ja, he does mention that a lot."  
"Most unpleasant type of bloke isn't he?"

"Oh he is... but he is important member of our team." Medic said. "Did you know, he once destroyed zhe entire enemy tank? By himself? Zat man may be more dangerous than Heavy!"

"Little man is not more dangerous than Heavy! Heavy is most dangerous man in history of world!"

"Now... if you excuse me gentlemen over your little argument over who's the better psychopath... I was wondering... we're fighting robots?"

"Yes! Metal men try to drop bomb in hatch, we stop them! We stop them most of time... but sometimes... a tiny baby scout is too fast... or a tank is too big... even for Heavy."

"Scout? Isn't he on our side?"

"They're metal versions of us." Medic said. "The only thing we were lacking against them was a tank... but now we've got you! You'll destroy those tanks... ja?"

"Indeed doctor... but how bout some breakfast? I made some toast."

"Wunderbar!" Medic said. "I am simply starving!"

"Heavy would like sandviches Doctor."

"Ach, okay. I'll get you your sandviches." Medic said. "Scout!"

"What?!"

"Get Heavy his sandviches!"

"No way! Tell the fatty to get it himself! He needs a salad!"

"My... Mr. Scout, you ought to be ashamed of yourself! Heavy is not fat!"

"Heavy is fat!" The big man said sobbing. "Everyone calls heavy fat!"

"Oh you..." Darjeeling said trying to put a hand on his shoulder, having to stand on her tippy toes to do so. "You're not fat at all darling! Just look at those biceps! I am sure they're just jealous!"

"Really?"

"Yeah... really." Darjeeling said. "Mr. Scout! Where in the blazes do you think you're going! Tell Heavy you're sorry!"

Normally. Scout listened to NO ONE. Even if the Heavy went to chase him, even if Soldier went berserk in rage, even if spy began to hiss and snarl. But... this time... he stopped... walked back, head hung in shame... and apologized.

"I am sorry big guy. Look... you're not fat! You're strong! You're a big, muscular guy!"

"Good... now go get him his sandwich... or sandwiches..."

"Alright... alright..." Scout grumbled as he ran off.

"Come on Heavy, why not sit down?" Darjeeling said leading the heavy to the table and pouring him a cup of tea. About the same time... Spy had come back.

"Gentlemen? And lady... I have to say... Scout is the worst chef ever!"

A few murmurs of agreement, and everyone sat down. Medic grabbed some coffee, Spy was chewing on a few slices of toast and reading the newspaper, and Heavy was tapping his foot impatiently waiting for his sandwiches.

"Morning y'all!" Engineer said walking in the same time Scout came back with Heavy's sandwiches. "I am feeling fit as a filly! Now then...what? breakfast without bacon? I'll be right back... but don't mind me!"

The cowboy grabbed a slice of bread and went off to storage and grabbed many slices of bacon. It was long before the aroma of bacon filled the air.

"That smell... rather strong isn't it? But smells absolutely delightful!"

"It is!" Engineer said finishing his first batch. "Alright... Doc... you want some?"

"Ja!"

"Heavy?"

"Nom... nom...nom... Heavy only wants sandvich!"

"Okay then... what about you Scout?"

"Yeah... yeah...smells good."

"And you Miss?"

"Sure!" Darjeeling said. Grabbing a fork and knife, she daintily cut the strips of fried pork, savoring their oily and juicy taste. American food. Excessive... yet so good. Best be sure to limit oneself when eating.

When Sniper came in, he only wanted coffee and toast. To which he sat at the far end of the table, reading the newspaper and sipping his drink. He said nothing the entire time.

"Hoi! Did you ninnies forget me?!" Demoman asked when he joined them. "Where is my scotch?!"

"Right here." Sniper said tossing him a bottle. The black scot popped the cap, and took a drink, downing the entire bottle in a few gulps and belching loudly.

"Whiskey for breakfast?" Darjeeling asked disapprovingly. "Aren't you concerned about your health?"

"Health lassie?! Health?! Scotch is for REAL MEN." The Demoman replied as he grabbed another bottle. "Now... I...ah..."

The Demoman slumped down on the table. Later to awake to a hangover about ten seconds later.

"Maybe... I should get some muffins..." Darjeeling said.

Now when Soldier came in about three seconds after she left...

"Atten...hut! Maggots! Who said you could start mess without your commanding officer?!"

"Who made you in charge?" Scout asked. "I say I am the coa..."

"Silence maggot!" Soldier said poking the scout in the chest. And this was why he was the _de facto_ leader of the team. Not because he was qualified, but because he could yell. That was it.

"Now then... who in tarnation turned by battlefield into a tea party?! Who the hell made BACON?! Come over here you canadian! I know you're responsible!"

"Shut up.. Soldier boy... you ought to learn two things. One... I am a Texan... two... you need to learn some manners!"  
"You shut your mouth or I will ram my foot up your ass so hard it will be on the news! Now... who made Coffee?! Crouton... you again?! Coffee?! Coffee is good for the battlefield... but with MILK?! WITH SUGAR?! Are we in France here?!"

"Eh... Soldier... if that's the case... are we on the moon right now?"

"YES WE ARE! WHERE ELSE WOULD THERE BE ROBOTS?!"

"Now then..."

"Hey... muffins any... Soldier?"

"And you! You missy englishwoman! You ought to stop with all this nonsense! We are on a battlefield, not afternoon tea!"

"It's 8:00 AM..." Darjeeling said as she pulled out a pocket watch. "Oh excuse me... sir..."

Soldier fumed. "Okay... who gave you permission to turn my battlefield into... um..."

"Um..."

[15 minutes later]

"Ummm..."

"Okay Soldier. We get it. You're mad." Scout said. "Now sit down, have a coffee... and chill out."

"SIT DOWN?! WE ARE IN A WARZONE RIGHT NOW! HOW CAN I SIT DOWN?!"

"Because... that lady can detect robots from an eighty mile radius and we have not gotten a single..."

Just then... the alarm started to blare.

"Aw crap."


	4. Chapter 4

"Attention all non-combat personnel... please evacuate the facility..." The administrator said. "Imminent attack in two hours. Get ready folks."

"To the armory!"

"Where is Eyelande... oh here you are!" Demoman said as he grabbed his sword. "Alright lad, let's go take some heads!"

"Ubersaw... fetch me my ubersaw!"

"Here's my fan!"

"Get me my shotgun son!"

"Sasha is ready!"

Darjeeling was rather surprised to find that the Matilda was stocked with ammunition. Perhaps that her employers were as perky as they had appeared.

This certainly was going to be hard. Matilda was well prepared for combat against larger targets... she was lacking any form of anti-infantry weapons... something her teammates would have to compensate for.

Moreover, she had to pilot, load and fire the tank all by herself, she was normally with three others. Two others at the minimum. This is going to be challenging since she was told that her colleagues were banned from entering Matilda.

But... whatever... she could handle this. She knew she could. After all, Saint Gloriana was well known for having skilled tank crews. Rivaling those of Saunders, Pravda and Kuromorimine. She would manage.

"Listen up men... and woman..." Soldier said as he barked his orders. He was wearing a helmet with three stars on it as well as a fancy dress uniform.

All around her, everyone was dressed differently. The scout was wearing a sweatband and a pair of yellow shades. The pyro was wearing a wool cap. The Engineer was looking a lot like those cowboys in the movies. The Heavy was wearing a police helmet. The Demoman a helmet with a visor. The medic had put on a operation mirror and operating mask. Spy... spy was dressed ever so elegantly in a tuxedo and a fedora. Dashing gentleman that one was.

"Alright maggots! The same this time, the robots are attacking from two different sides. Same drill, same robotic army... only bigger. MUCH BIGGER. Hopefully Miss Britain over there will be as useful as she turns out to be."

"Count on me... sir." Darjeeling replied.

"Alright then. You! Scout! Engineer! Pyro! Spy! You all will have the main entrance. Heavy, Medic, Demoman, Sniper and myself will guard the back for engineers! Let's move people!"

"When will they get here?!" Scout asked impatiently as he took a sip of soda from behind Matilda. "This is taking too long!"

"Better they take their time. I could use me a nap!" Engineer said as he played his guitar. "What about you Pyro?"

"Mmmmph..mmmph...meh."

"Well..." Engineer chuckled. "That makes two of us!"

"Mmmmm!"

"Spy?"

"They need to hurry up." Spy said. "I don't have all day."

"Why in such a hurry?" Darjeeling asked as she jumped down from Matilda. "Why do we want them to come here anyways?"

"Looks like someone forgot to tell you." Engineer said. "You see... we're paid wages... right?"

"They're pretty nice..." Darjeeling said. "Mr. Hale must really need us."

"You see... these robots... they run on money... yeah... I know... it's weird. But you know what? When they explode, they leave cash out. Lot's of cash. We use them to purchase upgrades... but we normally have lot's left over. Consider that a bonus."

"That must be nice... good to know that every robot destroyed earns us all a bit more..." Darjeeling said. "But..."

"Yeah... normally... I'd get a bit violent over who get's the larger bonus. But Mr. Hale has this thing were we all split the cash evenly. No one too much, no one too less. All's fair!"

"I see." Darjeeling said. "Those contraptions you've built... I assume they will aid us?"

"The sentry gun is a fine piece of work ma'am! It can clean hordes of the little critters, just beware of those big damn robots and tanks... I guess that's where you come in."

"Well... of course. I did a bit of research. I suppose I should beware of the soldier and demoman variants. A little scorched hull plating never hurt anyone... though a mob of them and a hailstorm of explosives will probably mean trouble."

"Be careful of spies too... but you... being in a tank probably won't have to worry about a knife in the back. You got any problems with sappers, give me a call..."

"Alright then... and..."

"THE ATTACK HAS STARTED."

"Positions everybody!" Spy called out as everyone got into where they were to be.

Pyro would stand by with the sentry along with Engineer.

Scout would be on the rock. Any time a robot was killed, it fell on him to pick up the cash. Spy would be in position behind the main door.

And Darjeeling was up on the hill. She had a nice clear shot of anything.

"5...4...3...2...ONE!"

The first wave of robots consisted of dozens of scouts. Darjeeling took a quick peek to see there was no giants. Good.

Taking a deep breath and aiming at the thickest part of the mob. She took a deep breath and opened fire.

Everyone else watched with both awe and satisfaction as the explosion destroyed the entire first wave. But that was merely for starters of course. The second wave now consisted of multiple heavies, moving quickly while Darjeeling was reloading, Spy dispatched every single one of them as they were distracted by the sentry. Scout once again, swooped in to take the money.

"Heads up Engineers! Look out for the sentry buster!"

"What in sam h... waaagghhh!"

He didn't see the sentry buster until it was too late. And by too late I mean it was right under the ledge of where his sentry was placed when it exploded, sending Engineer flying backwards into his dispenser, while his sentry fell off the ledge and broke into several fine pieces.

"Giants incoming!" Spy yelled over the din of the battle as three giant soldiers showed themselves at the head of a long mob of their smaller cousins.

Pyro quickly ran over to help Engineer, sending several rockets flying back to their senders, the masked man ran with the Texan back behind to Darjeeling, who was just ready to fire.

The round tore right through one of the giants and exploded into the mob, sending many of them scattering. They retaliated by sending a volley of rockets at Darjeeling.

"Fall back! Fall back!" Spy screamed as he desperately tried to avoid the rockets. He rejoined everyone else with his life and damaged suit.

"Um this does not look here..." Scout began. "Holy... INCOMING!"

A massive wave of scouts were quickly approaching them. Engineer, quickly built his level 1 in hopes of holding them off.

"Need a lift gentlemen?" Darjeeling asked as she popped out of the hatch. "Quickly! We're not going to last too long against those blighters!"

Everyone more than enthusiastically hopped on Matilda as Darjeeling quickly backed her out of the tunnel, firing one more shell at a soldier giant, tearing it's metal body metal.

"Helluva shot Miss!" Engineer complimented as he pulled his Pomson 6000 and began to spam shots at the advancing robots.

"Thanks! Tell Soldier that he should get ready!"

"I am on it!" Engineer said as he pulled out a walkie-talkie. "Soldier! There is a big damn wave of robots coming your way! Are you ready?"

"READY?! I AM READY. NOW MAN UP LADIES." Soldier replied. 'OVER AND OUT."

"Admirable shot!" Spy grinned as he watched Demoman, Soldier and Heavy thin out the ranks of the approaching robots with their fire. With support from Medic's kritzkrieg, they destroyed the first wave of robots in no time, scout once again, ran off to collect the money.

He never made it back. Because as soon as he started to run back to the rest of his team, he fell. In his back, was two well-placed sniper rounds.

"Snipers!" Soldier announced. "Sniper! Take them out!"

"On it!" The Australian replied as he found a good spot to shoot from. "Soldier! There are more incoming!"

"Open fire men! And..."

"TANK! KILL IT!"

"These tin-cans! Give 'em hell boys!" 

From inside Matilda, Darjeeling carefully scoped out the metal monstrosity referred to as "tank" by her colleagues.

"My... what an ugly machine..." Darjeeling muttered as she locked onto her target. Her hands hit the trigger.

"That should teach them!" Demoman said happily as he watched the tank take a massive hit to it's treads, sending it out of control. It went... backwards... then to the left... then backwards again... then did a 180... and then hit a giant, blowing both of them up.

"Oh." Sniper said watching the massive fire at the tunnel. "We should them blokes!"

"We're not done yet." Administrator announced."Spy bots!"

"AUUUGHHH!"

"Demo's a goner!" Engineer panicked as he grabbed a shotgun. However, a bullet from the revolver hit him in his hand, causing him to drop his weapon. He called for medic, but the german as occupied with fighting another spy. The rest of his teammates were pre-occupied with problems of their own, or with the other spies.

"What the blazes is goin..." Darjeeling opened the hatch to find herself staring into the barrel of a revolver.

"Oh dear..."

She ducked quickly, feeling the force of the bullet leave a small indent in her hair. She quickly grabbed the crowbar which she kept in the Matilda, but when she came back up, all she saw was a dead robot spy, and a live spy on their team standing over it's corpse.

"Was there ever any doubt madame?" Spy asked with a grin.

"No... of course not." Darjeeling said blushing as she put the crowbar away.

"There's one more!" Sniper said pointing at a giant demoman. Darjeeling used her foot, and pushed the trigger. Said giant went up in a ball of fire.

"Good Job..." Administrator announced. "But they'll be back."

"And... that really was awfully brave of you..." Darjeeling said as she poured Spy a cup of tea.

"My pleasure... it was nothing after all. His back was merely turned."

Darjeeling chuckled. Her watch read 1:30 PM.

"They will be back?"

"They always are... but that only means a larger bonus... speaking of which..."

A man dressed in a suit walked over and left a large sack of money at their feet. Then, vanished into thin air.

"The messengers." Spy commented. "Mysterious aren't they... but of course... that's beyound the point. This one's yours by the way." The Frenchman handed her the bag with the tag on it readin "Darjeeling".

When she unzipped it... the entire thing was full of benjamins. The best part about this?

This was only the "bonus". The actual wage had yet to come. In the back, Soldier, Demoman and Engineer were playing a game of poker over their bonus.

"Payday. The best part about this." Spy said sipping his tea. He opened the zippers on the side of his bag and took out...

A billycock?

"A hat!" Spy said happily as he tried it on. "This one looks nice!" He reached in once again and pulled out a bowtie. The frenchman's smile widened to it's fullest when he found a pair of white sneakers at the end.

"See what you got!" Spy said. "Come on! It's only part of the bonus!"

"Well... okay... but why you need a hat? You look absolutely dashing the way you do without a pair of sneakers... but myself? Surely I don't need a silly old hat as well."

"Silly old hat? Please madame, any fine gentleman needs a hat!"

"Well... okay..." Darjeeling said not wanting to argue with the logic of having a hat. "I say though... I think you look just spiffy without any silly old thing on your head."

"Hey what about me?" Scout asked as he barged in. "Do I look nice?"  
"You look fine Scout." Darjeeling said. "Why doesn't spy understand that he doesn't need a hat on his fine image? It looks off!"

"Doesn't need a hat? Pfff... women."

This was said as a joke, though Darjeeling did look rather offended. That was when spy spoke up.

"I am going to drop my share at the bank... wait Sniper... got room for one more in your van?"

"Sure thing mate!" Sniper said. "What about you Darjeeling?"

"I will come too."

"Hey... don't forget about me!" Scout said tagging along. "I need to drop it off too!"

"Anyone else? No? Let's go then lads and lasses!"

"And... that is all!" The man at the counter said. "Teufort city bank thanks you for your deposit! Next!"

"Good day to you." Spy said as he handed the cashier his bonus. "Deposit this please."

"Of course." The banker said. His tone had instantly gone from warm to cold in a heartbeat.

"Be quick about it." Sniper said. "I got some money I need to drop off too!"

"Shut up." The banker muttered as he deposited spy's money. Sniper came up next and handed him the cash.

"Now don't let me catch you acting funny..." Sniper said making a "I am watching you" hand motion to the teller.

"You won't." The teller replied. "Next!"

Scout walked up and dropped off his money. No problems save for the icy glaring between the two.

"Not stealing any money this time?"

"What? I don't want any of your stupid crap..." Scout said. "Just hurry up! You're like a lawnmower when it comes to this."

"Yeah... yeah..." The teller muttered. "I thought it'd be good when RED and BLU got disbanded... turns out..."

"Hello sir... is it my turn now?" Darjeeling asked as she dropped off her money.

"Oh... hello there..." The teller said watching the fine specimen of a young lady. "This be all?"

"Aye." Darjeeling said as she told him under whose name to deposit this under. Mr. Hale had opened her a bank account before she had come here. Awfully nice of the man.

The teller eyed Darjeeling with a mix of awe and suspicion... the way she was dressed in her red suit... that particular color...

"Do you happen by chance to know those men sitting over there?" The teller asked gesturing at the four other mercs.

"I do..." Darjeeling said. "Is there a problem?"

"No... not at all!" The teller lied as he deposited the money. Only the fact that you are working with a bunch of lunatics. That's all!"

"Alright... then... have a nice day mate." Darjeeling said as she joined up with the rest of her team.

"So... do we go back home?"

"We could... but I want to go shopping for groceries.." Sniper said.

"There's a great cafe in town..." Spy began. "Darjeeling... would you like to come with me? It makes the best tea in town in case you're interested."

"Well... wouldn't hurt to go check it out. What about you scout?"

"Huh? Me...? Oh... I'll go with you." Scout said glaring daggers at spy when his back was turned.

"Then let's go!"

"So... I just graduated about seven weeks back and I had worked as a maintenance worker on a pipeline... the only problem was... that was probably the most faulty pipeline ever, by god... the pipes would literally EXPLODE every other day! So... I quit after day two and found this job."

"How do you like it?"

"Well... I've only been here for a day. Most of the chaps are pleasant fellows... like you..." Darjeeling said smiling at the Frenchman. "A few... not so much..."

"Well... he is rather... crazy." Spy said taking a sip out of his coffee. "Did you know that during the second world war, he went on German killing sprees?"

"Wasn't that like over seventy years ago?"

"I am not sure myself... but it seemed like the lot of us have been fighting over this piece of land for longer... I am rather unsure why... but that aside, tell me about the people you know. The only people I know are the lunatics I work with."

" I've met many people before... they were all rather pleasant..." Darjeeling began. "My best friends... Orange Pekoe... and Assam... I wonder how those two are doing... We sort of fell out of contact recently... though I am trying to get a hold of them. Who knows? The two may choose to come to America if Mr. Hale also offers them job positions. Operating a tank isn't as easy as it is when you're lacking a team... and the three of us... we make a good team. It's not exactly the same being one woman and operating a tank that requires three people on minimum. I just don't feel the same without those two. But I dare say, the fact you've been fighting over... whatever it is... for longer... can you tell me about it?"

[Gray Mann Headquarters.]

"What is this?! A tank?! Saxton has hired a tank?!"

"Yes Sir... the forces of Mann. Co have now acquired a tank class to now rival our armored class."

"Analysis."

"Their tank is very heavily armored and possesses a powerful but slow weapon. It is vulnerable to groups of Soldiers and Demomen. Unfortunately, those other mercenaries prove to be great issue."

"Damn... I want the new model to be finished by next week. Got it? While that... what news of the other facilities?"

"It seems that only Bigrock has managed to acquire a tank class. All other facilities report lacking any form of armored vehicles to bolster their defenses. They are comparatively vulnerable."

"Alrighty then. What other news?"

"O.W.N has now turned on us and has begun raiding our assets. They are a thorn in our side."

"WHAT?! AFTER ALL THAT I'VE DONE FOR THEM AND THOSE GOOD FOR NOTHING BASTARDS DARE BACKSTAB ME?! ATTACK THEIR FACILITIES TOO!"

"Affirmative."

"These good for nothing bastards think they can beat me?!" Gray raged as he made clenched the railing tightly. Looking down, he watched the thousands of robots spawn out of his factories. "They have another thing coming!"

[Back to Darjeeling, Scout and Spy]

"And then... we had this war with O.W.N... it seems some members within both sides were a bit unsatisfied... and left to create their own organization. They were at one point able to seize 20% of both RED and BLU's assets. We only managed to recover 5% of all seized assets... after Blutarch and Redmond died... Hale didn't really care and sent us to defend his own assets. O.W.N has gotten quite powerful though... I read in the paper yesterday that a band of their soldiers raided some of Gray's banks... got away with it too."

"And that's important because his robots run on money?"

"Yes it is... but the amount of money he seems to be able to produce is far too much for us to be able to drain... His empire was much larger than both RED and BLU combined! And to think we never noticed it until too late! It was madness!"

"So... what is the state of the American underworld now?"

"Not just America my dear." Spy said. "Germany is also currently in a war. As is China, Canada and Russia. I can almost guarantee you, you know those stories of things like the mob? That's all just faux. Every single major scale criminal operation in the last twenty years was tied to RED and BLU. They were just that good at keeping the information from the public."

"What else is there to know besides from that?"

"Too much for me to say. But... I can tell..."

"Hey Fellas! Why don't we stop on this stupid history crap? Cause... why don't we just say... play a game of pool? Or go the ball game?"

"Well... he's right on one thing." Spy said taking out his watch. "Sniper is probably waiting. Let's go..."

As they packed up, Scout did his best on not to say anything stupid in front of Darjeeling. He REALLY hated Spy right about now. Why must he always hurt his chances with her?! WHY?! WHY?!

[6:30 PM. Bigrock. Just before dinner time.]

"OH IT WAS TERRIBLE!" Soldier wailed. "Sniper! Thank you!"

"What did I do?" Sniper asked. "All I went was grocery shopping!"

"Yes! Thank you for that! LISTEN IT WAS JUST SO HORRIBLE! WE WERE ALMOST OUT OF MEAT!"

"Soldier... we still had an entire section that was still full..."

"SEE?! IT WAS HORRIBLE! WE WERE ALMOST OUT OF MEAT!"

"He's gone stark, raving mad has he now?" Darjeeling asked as the soldier started to sob over not having any meat.

"He's always like that." Scout said. "Engineer?"

"Alright... alright! Making barbeque... I do need help in the kitchen!"

"And that's my cue." Darjeeling said as she got up and went to help the Texan. Iced tea... roasted potatoes... Dinner... the one thing Soldier never would blast in the faces of his men if they had a good one.

"So Engineer..." Darjeeling said as she cut some potatoes. "What is with Soldier and "meat"?"

"It's a long story..." Engineer replied. "And miss... there are something things ya don't want to know."

"I am always up for stories." Darjeeling said as she continued her slicing.

"Well... okay. You see... there was this one soldier on 2fort... he ATE SOMEONE!"

"What?"

"And I have no idea what in tarnation went on... but that monster... he's invincible! He goes around eating people!"

"What?! That is absolutely ridiculous!"

"Ridiculous but true! This... soldier calls himself Painis Cupcake. He is very powerful and eats people!"

"Well... that's rather interesting."

"It is... ah hope I don't ever run into that damn son of a bitch!" Engineer shuddered despite the heat of the room. "Now then... you brits know what a fine piece of steak is?"

"I prefer Yorkshire roast beef... but... I am willing to try what American's call "steak"."

"It's quite the best thing around!" Engineer said proudly as he began grilling. "You must try it! Oh... and there's some chicken in the microwave... make sure to take that out."

"Will do. Engineer... you do build things right?"

"Yeah."

"Well... I was wondering... can you make any adjustments to Matilda?"

"Miss... I would... I know how difficult it is to drive that monster around on your own. I heard how you told me it's a three-women operation. I am sorry... but that lady on the intercom would roast me alive if I touched it. She said so herself that we weren't allowed to go inside of it."

"I was about to say... she was okay when I gave you a lift earlier today..." Darjeeling commented. "But... rules are rules... just can't grasp why the blooming lady see's any trouble in you handling Matilda... though who am I to argue?"

"Ah dunno... but maybe her telling me not to touch it may have some reason behind it." Engineer said. "Looks like we're done anyways... Soldier might explode if we don't hurry."

"WHAT TOOK YOU LOUSY KITCHEN RATS SO LONG?!" Soldier raged once again.

The two ignored him as they set the food down. Heavy got sandwiches. Lot's of them. As he liked it.

"HEY I AM TALKING TO YOU COWBOY. AND YOU TOO YOU UPTIGHT, PRETENTIOUS..."

"Soldier... I think they are aware you're talking to them. They probably don't want to listen to you talk." Spy said.

"WORDS CANNOT EXPRESS HOW MUCH I HATE FRANCE RIGHT NOW!"

"How rude..." Darjeeling muttered. "I hope you don't speak like that around your mother."

"MOTHER?! HA! NEVERMIND THAT. JUST GIVE ME THE MEAT... MEAAATTTT!"

If you wanted to keep your appetite. It was time you turned away from soldier tearing apart his steak with bare hands before grabbing some chicken, and swallowing the entire thing full.

"MEAT!... I WILL EAT THESE RIBS... I WILL EAT THEM UP..."

"My... you barbarian! Do you not know how to act civilized for ten seconds?!"

"CIVILIZED?! I AM IN WAR... AND I LOVE IT!"

"What war? We're sitting at home in a..."

The phone rang. Something which caused every other merc to cringe at. This was probably bad news.

Most of the time, The administrator would send a messenger... said messenger would probably get shot if the news was "not good".

But when the administrator had to call them. That probably meant that they would be somewhat too angry to even as much as listen to her. That it took one among them to be the bringer of bad news. Said one person would PROBABLY not get shot. They were a team after all.

"Hello?" Darjeeling asked as she picked the phone up. "What... for me? Yes... okay... be at the airport at 7:00 PM tomorrow? Will do marm... and... don't be late?"

"What is it? Heavy asked dumbly.

"I have to be at the airport tomorrow at 7:00. The administrator told me not to be late. Must be some blooming important chap that wants to see me... Wonder if it's Mr. Hale?"  
"Ha! I knew it!" Soldier said. "I knew that he would come to his senses and realize women are not suited to be on a BATTLEFIELD!"

"I will pretend I did not hear you say rubbish." Darjeeling replied. "Though I do wonder what it's for..."

"Only one way to find out..." Sniper said. "Hope it's good."


	5. Chapter 5

"This is NOT good!" Medic said as he watched Heavy die from the sniper round. "Everybody! Fall back!"

Sniper, Scout and Engineer all ran with him as they tried to escape the onslaught of robots. A stray rocket happened to hit scout who exploded in a shower of gibbets while a stray grenade sent Sniper flying across the entire map. Engineer had made it... only to be hit by a well-placed arrow.

"Zhis is REALLY BAD!" Medic announced as he sent a single bolt from the crusader's crossbow at an approaching giant Soldier. The needle literally bounced off of the armored plating harmlessly.

"DARJEELING! DO SOMETHING!" Demoman screamed as he ran from the giant Soldier.

Darjeeling nodded as she pulled the trigger. The shell ripped apart the robot with ease... the englishwoman allowed herself a peek at the outside before reloading. A bloody mess to behold.

"Another giant!" Soldier announced as he fired his rocket launcher at an approaching pyro. Unfortunately, the pyro air blasted his rocket right back at him, sending him flying until he hit a wall. Small birdies orbiting around his head.

"That giant!" Darjeeling muttered as she aimed right at it. Good. It was also carrying the bomb.

"WAIT... NOOOOOOOOOOO!" Spy screamed trying to intervene.

Too late. The shell was fired, and the giant air blasted the shell right back at Matilda. Good thing that the armor held or they would have been in trouble.

"Blimey! They can do that?!"

"Yes! Be careful!" Spy replied. "I'll handle this... move back!"

"Why?"

"Just do it!"

She nodded. Matilda was pulled back to a point where she had a clear shot at the hatch.

Eluding many robots, Spy managed to get the stab and destroyed the Pyro. Unfortunatly... he hadn't exactly accounted for the giant scout.

"SHOOT IT!" Medic screamed.

"IT'S TOO FAST!" Darjeeling called out. "Come on... come on..."

It stopped at the hatch.

Darjeeling took her aim.

Its first foot left the ground.

Darjeeling's hand grasped the trigger.

Its second foot left the ground.

The explosion hit the scout. Sending it sky-high before it disappeared out of view. They did it!

"Thank the lord!" Darjeeling exclaimed. The rest of the team joined up with her.

"Nice shot!"

"Yeah...yeah... nice shooting!"

"Admirable shot..."

"Thanks..." Darjeeling said as she opened the hatch to take a look around. All clear. For now. Wait a second... what was that noise?

Everyone looked up. The giant scout was in two pieces... but the bomb wasn't. And it was headed right for... her.

Darjeeling's mouth hung open in a silent scream. The only things she could hear was the screams of them men making a mad scramble away from the explosion. She tried to run, but was glued to her place.

Boom.

"You okay?" Spy asked as he watched Darjeeling take another long gulp of the herbal tea.

"F-fine..." Darjeeling stammered.

"Dying for the first time? You'll get used to it." Spy said as he poured her some more tea. "Look on the bright side... at least we did it!"

"Y-y-yeah..." Darjeeling said shivering. Her world still spinned in massive 360 degree turns.

"That was quite the hit you took..." Spy said as he put a blanket over her. "Still feel off?"

"I-I am fine... th-thank you though kind sir..." Darjeeling replied as she took another long gulp. "Th-that was just... un-unfortunate..."

"UNFORTUNATE?!" They heard a familiar voice scream. "UNFORTUNATE?! THAT WAS UNFORTUNATE?! THE UNFORTUNATE THING IS THIS CRAZY BITCH WOULD HAVE KILLED US!"

"Soldier!" Spy snarled. "Remember two days ago when YOU caused the bomb to roll back on US?!"

"WHAT?! I BELIEVE YOU HAD A HAND IN THAT TOO."

"SO DID THE REST OF THE ENTIRE TEAM! IT WAS ALL OUR FAULTS... MOSTLY YOURS HOWEVER..."

"WELL..."

"SHUT UP."

The surly American left, still mumbling and grumbling about "crazy brits" and whatnot.

"Don't mind him... and... good lord! It's almost 6:00 PM! We have to get you to the airport! SNIPER!"

The entire ride, Darjeeling had been wondering what kind of surprise she'd be in for. She about this the entire time time when sitting in the lobby of the airport along with Spy and Sniper.

"7:01..." Sniper said impatiently as he looked among all the people. "I don't see Mr. Hale!"

"Me neither." Spy muttered as he looked around. "Darjeeling?"

She wasn't listening. All she could was look into the crowd. She thought she saw someone familiar.

That was when it dawned on her. She did see someone familiar.

"Darjeeling!" Orange Pekoe's voice rang out. There she was... right in the middle of the crowd. Waving towards her with Assam.

Spy and Sniper could only look at each other. Sniper said nothing as spy chuckled inaudibly.

"MORE OF YOU?! YOU BETTER HOPE YOU DO WELL OR I WILL PUT MY FOOT UP

YOUR ASSES SO FAR UP IT WILL BE ON THE NEWS!"

"What the bloody hell is wrong with you?"

"WRONG WITH ME?! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?! YOU WILL NOT TURN MY WAR INTO A TEA PARTY!"

"He's... rather... off his rocker." Darjeeling said slowly. "When I met Americans... I thought they were all like Kay."

"WHO THE HELL IS KAY?! SOME OTHER UPTIGHT BRITISH SCHOOLGIRL?!"

"No! She's also American! Awfully pleasant that one is... unlike you good sir..." Orange Pekoe said as she tried her hardest to keep eye contact with Soldier. His eyes burning holes in her soul... slowly... she backed off to hide behind Assam.

"Soldier... I think you should maybe chill out." Scout said.

"OH WHAT IS IT NOW CITY BOY?! YOU WANT A TEA PARTY TOO?!"

"What you stupid? Soldier... hasn't your mum ever taught you manners?"

"MANNERS?! MANNERS?! YOU A HIPPY OR SOMETHING SCOUT?! IF YOU ARE... I AM GOING TO POUND YOU INTO THE GROUND!"

Normally... this would have been enough to cause Scout to run out of the room faster than a speeding bullet. True... he was scared to the point that he was on the verge of pissing himself... but something... maybe stupidity, maybe bravado... caused him to stand and look Soldier in the eye.

After a game of stare-eyes, which lasted for a good thirty seconds, Soldier finally gave a sigh and shook his head.

"Whatever... if you can kill robots... I don't mind you..." Soldier grumbled as he left the room. "I will be in the armory if you need me... city boy..."

Scout then took the opportunity to go to the bathroom. Soldier's soul-destroying stare had caused his bladder to feel a bit weak.

"Awfully brave chap isn't he?" Assam giggled as she sat at a round table with Orange Pekoe and Darjeeling. "Such a small fellow going up against that big bully. Why... what a jolly good show he put up!"

"Speaking of a jolly good show, we'll have to put one up ourselves tomorrow..."

"So... I read the description... we're fighting with... robots?"

"Aye... robots." Darjeeling said. "I will be honest, I was really chuffed when I saw you at the airport... operating Matilda is just so... difficult.. with you two."

"Always count on us." Assam whispered as she took a sip of tea. "So... tell us about these blokes you've mixed up with."

"Well... there's Soldier... some fine gentleman he is..." Darjeeling said rolling her eyes. "Scout... that small chap with a big mouth... hmmph... I always thought he lacked courage until today... well... there's Pyro, a quiet sort of person..."

"Hiya folks... may I?" Engineer asked.

"Come right on mate!" Darjeeling said. "This is Engineer... he prefers Engie though... a most pleasant type of chap. Cowboy though..."

"Aw... no... I ain't actually a cowboy... though grew up on them..."

"Whatever... he likes to build things!"

"Well... he is a blooming engineer..." Assam muttered as Engineer poured himself some tea and quickly went on his way.

"Reminds me of Kay... rather nice to be around." Darjeeling continued. "There's Heavy... imagine Katyusha... just taller... much taller and likes to belittle everyone... even people.. or robots in this case larger than him."

"Sure is a large sort of guy." Orange Pekoe muttered as she watched the big Russian with his minigun. "That monstrosity he calls a gun..."

"Likes to shoot it too! Um... who else now? Oh yes! Demoman... quite the funny type. He's always sober when we're not fighting... though... always drunk when on the battlefield..."

"Drunk on the battlefield isn't the way to be." Assam commented.

"He doesn't care. Where he puts all that stuff... I have no clue." Darjeeling said. "Now... Medic... he's nice and all... though I wonder... the things they say about him is enough to give anyone nightmares... man of science..."

"German I think." Assam said. "Seems pleasant and all... that saw does worry me though."

"And there's sniper... a fine gentlemen... a true shot too... oh... and how could I forget spy? It's good to see that there are some men here who don't lack manners or sophistication. He really is true gentleman... dresses fine and proper... speaks well... quite the character! Never takes off his mask though...Well... he is a spy... and spies have to make sure no one knows their identity... not even their friends... wait... all warfare is based off of deception..."

"It's okay ladies... I am on your side..." Spy said appearing out of nowhere scaring the living daylights out of everyone. Before anyone could say "Good Lord" spy had about three different firearms being pointed at him.

"It's okay... I am really on your team." Spy said. "Now then... if you may lower your weapons..."

"Orange... did you just take that blooming gun right out of your pockets?"

"I did!" Orange Pekoe replied looking down at the shotgun and her shaking hands. "What... how?"

"It's just the way things work around here." Spy said taking out his revolver, sapper and knife. All from the same pocket. "Why not take a look at your loadouts?"

"Our what now?"

"Just reach into your pockets and see what you find..."

Orange Pekoe went first. Placing on the table, she found out that she had a shotgun as a primary, a pistol as her secondary and a tank shell as a melee... she certainly wasn't going to be using that to hit anyone...

Assam went next. She had an SMG not unlike snipers, and a fire extinguisher and a set of tea for melee... well at least they got tea!

Darjeeling laid out her things. She had a revolver like Spy, a pair of binoculars and a crowbar.

"Interesting..." Medic said walking over. "That is quite the loadout... perhaps we can see how effective it is..." 

[About two days later. Gray Co. Headquarters]

"I sent out TWICE the amount of robots normally... and you're telling me that ALL of them have been destroyed?! That new model tank? Destroyed with the first minute?! This is an outrage!"

"Analysis of Mann Co. tank shows that it is heavily armored and well-equipped. Your orders sir?"

"Activate Tier-2 protocol." Gray said. "Send everything to overdrive! They will NOT get away with this! You hear me Saxton?! You will never get away with this!"


	6. Chapter 6

Darjeeling stood on top of Matilda surveying Bigrock.

"Looks like we're clear today ladies." The Englishwoman commented as she took a deep drink from her cup. "No robots today."

"Very well!"

"Yeah...yeah...that's great!"

"Bon."

"Nuts... rain." Darjeeling muttered. Quickly, she disappeared down the hatch, the armored beast shielding her from the rain.

"I must say... it's good to be a team again." Orange Pekoe said as she took a sip from tea. "It's also good to meet some new people too... some more so than others."

"I am chuffed to see that most people around here are awfully pleasant... some strange... but pleasant." Assam whispered in agreement. "Though Soldier..."

"He's rather crazy!" Darjeeling joked. Only... this was serious. Soldier is probably... no... most assuredly is crazy.

"Well... he hates everything too. I wonder what Kay would think about him."

"Why Kay? Is it because she's also American?"

"Aye. That fine lass could make friends with anybody... and that rather unpleasant man could make enemies with anybody..."

Naturally, the subject would later return on their current job. Which would be, sitting in the rain inside Matilda.

"Those blighters haven't showed up in three days!"

"Maybe it's because we've been doing a good job of turning them into scrap?"

"Well... I say, it's no small thanks to everyone else! We just take care of their tanks and giants."

"Well... everyone else is rather good at doing that. I have to say... Scout is quite the fast type of lad." Assam said dreamingly.

"Well... he so is his mouth." Darjeeling commented. "Quite the braggart that one is. No wonder many of the people on the team dislike him."

"Well... I like him." Assam blurted out... to which she put her foot in her mouth about three seconds later when Orange Pekoe and Darjeeling both began to look at her funny. "Not in that sense... not in that sense!"

"Oh okay." Darjeeling giggled. "Alright then so..."

"ALERT! ROBOTS INCOMING!"

"Get ready!" Darjeeling ordered as she peered from the tank hatch.

Robots. Dozens of them, thankfully the rest of the team already had them occupied. But just then... a large explosion rocked the entire facility.

"WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!" Soldier screamed over the din of battle.

There approaching... was what could described as a tank... with spider like legs... and... a massive array of rocket launchers...

A salvo of rockets came flying through the battle sending the mercs scattering in all directions.

"This is new!" Darjeeling commented as she ducked down and pulled the trigger.

The shell connected with the massive robot creating a massive dent in it's armor. It turned around to face those who had just damaged it and sent a salvo of rockets at Matilda... but thankfully Orange Pekoe had maneuvered their tank so that only two rockets hit, both times damaging Matilda rather badly.

"Demoman! Think you can take that thing out?"

"I'll try lassies!" Demoman replied as he fired several sticky bombs at the approaching metal menace. The massive explosion engulfed the metal menace... and only knocked a single leg off.

As the sounds of Demoman's screams reached Darjeeling's ears, she quickly took another peek at the robot which had torn apart Engineer's sentry gun.

"Turn this around." She ordered.  
"What you crazy?!"

"Of course not. Matilda is the only thing that stands a chance against that monster! Hurry... they need our help."

"If you say so..."

"Soldier!" Darjeeling called from the radio. "You got any clue what this thing is?"

"I HAVE NO GODDAMN IDEA." Soldier screamed as he sent a rocket at the thing before ducking down to avoid being torn to shreds. "YOU ENGLISHWOMEN GET YOURSELVES OVER HERE OR I AM COMING OVER THERE TO GET YOU."

"On it!" Darjeeling replied. "Hurry! We're gonna be in a heap of trouble if this keeps up!"

"Not that we're already in a heap of trouble anyways." Orange Pekoe muttered as she sped towards the approaching robot. It turn it's head to reveal the missile salvo it was to fire at them.

[Same time. O.W.N headquarters]

The screams of both machine and man rang in The Medic's ears as he walked through his fortress. Everywhere, black uniformed men and women stood by windows or any form of makeshift cover to retaliate against the oncoming robot horde. Medic stopped occasionally stopped to give aid, but he was needed in his office. There was a meeting he needed to attend.

The two soldiers guarding the door gave a fast salute as medic walked by them saying nothing, the din of battle was loud even from the deepest parts of the fortress, the sounds of explosions and gunfire was unending as Gray Co. waged it's retaliatory war against O.W.N.

"Not our finest moment!" The OWN spy commented as he watched the video feed. "Medic! Our forces are taking heavy damage!"

The medic gave no reply as he sat down and called the rest of his officers.

"Now listen up Everyvone." Medic began. "Ve are in a rather desperate situation. Gray has decided to attack us."

"So... what do we do?" Femscout asked as she took a look around. "They got us outnumbered and outgunned!"

"No we are not!" OWN Soldier said. "MY MEN CAN AND WILL REPEL THESE ATTACKS."

"Da... but at what cost? We do not have as much men as you think."

"THEY WILL HEAVY."

"They vill... but barely." Medic predicted as he took a look around. "Now... as you've all heard... ve're... all kinda in trouble..."

Murmurs of agreement or disagreement echoed around the room. Waiting for the hubbub to silence, OWN Medic resumed speaking.

"I have decided... that since Redmond and Blutarch are both dead... we should join forces with Saxton Hale and Mann Co... all in favor?"

Easy decision. The vote was 8-1, the only one disagreeing with this was their Soldier.

It was settled. An ambassador would be sent to negotiate an alliance between Mann Co and OWN.


	7. Chapter 7

"Doc! C'mon man!"

"Wait one second!" The Medic replied irritated at Scout's impatience as he healed Heavy who was lying on the bed.

"Everyone alright?" Darjeeling asked as she entered Medic's office, cringing at the blood that was everywhere.

"Uh... yeah just fine! Doesn't hurt!" Scout lied as he tried to look his best.

"Really? You don't look so good." Darjeeling commented as she grabbed an icepack.

"What's that for?"

"Spy. He really hit his head badly. I think he should be okay... but better safe than sorry!"

Scout said nothing when Darjeeling left, only shifted closer to medic.  
"Hurry up and heal me Doc!"

"I thought you said it didn't hurt!"

"Nevermind! This hurts! This really hurts! This hurts like hell! Hurry up!"

"Merci." Spy said as he placed the ice pack to his head.

"You hit your head rather hard there." Assam commented as she brought him a cup of tea. "Are you sure you are alright?"

"Bon... bon..." Spy muttered as he took a sip from the cup. "Thanks to you three."

"No problem." Darjeeling said. "We merely happened to be passing by... call it even then?"

"Oui. Now where's that wretch Soldier gone to?"

"He went off brooding. Like usual. Quite an unpleasant chap that one is..."

"Well... what's important is that we won the fight." Spy commented.

"Barely." Sniper said walking in. "Those bloody robots almost had us that time. It was too close."

"What was that monstrosity anyways?" Spy asked. "I've never seen anything like it."

"Neither have I."

"I don't think anyone has. Quite the monster that was though. Matilda took quite the beating." Darjeeling commented. "Orange, see if you can't get everyone a bite to eat."

"On it."

"ALRIGHT MAGGOTS. WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT THING?!" Soldier demanded as everyone sat down in the large round table within the conference room.

"No doggone idea." Engineer muttered. "Whatever it was, it ain't good news."

"I concur." Darjeeling said. "In all my years of tankery, I have never seen any machine like it."

"It was a mean machine though." Engineer said. "Ah like it."

"You won't like it when it comes back to destroy us." Sniper said. "Listen... we need a plan... now I say that we get in contact with the other facil..."

"WE ARE NOT GOING TO BE A BUNCH OF COWARDS AND ASK FOR HELP. DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?!"

"Da! Heavy agrees! Those tiny baby robots are the ones who needs help! Not us!"

"Nein! Those robots are getting angry! We can't do this all alone!"

"Medic is right. I dunno much, but I do know those gits aren't getting any easier to beat!"

"Now... now... those sissies are hard?" Scout commented. "I can beat them any day of the week!"

"Just like how that Steel Gauntlet beat your face in?" Spy said much to Scout's embarrassment.

"Ah... shut up ya shapeshifting rat! I don't see you doing anything more than just stabbing them in the back!"

"I will have to disagree on that..." Orange Pekoe spoke up. "Spy did take a rather serious beating..."

"I am fine mademoiselle. Though I am not sure Scout's ego is." Spy grinned, watching Scout fume with rage.

"Now you listen here Frenchie... we don't need no crap from the other teams! We can do this on our own... right Soldier?"

"Agreed Scout! THOSE MAGGOTS ARE NOT SO TOUGH."

"You imbecile! How can you say that after how we nearly lost?! This is not a matter of how well we think of ourselves or how badly we think of them... this is serious!"  
"Spy's right! Those blokes are getting harder and harder to stop. We are going to need some back up when..."

"Hudda...hudda...mmmphhh...mmmmph!"

"Pyro says there's someone at the door!" Engineer said. "Come on fellas. He thinks it's a messenger!"

"Good day to you gentlemen... and ladies." The Administrator said through the TV screen. "I am sure you are having... minor difficulties with your job?"

"NO, we are NOT. That will be..."

"Ah hate to say it ma'am. But we are." Engineer said.

"Good. I knew Mr. Doe would never let his colossal ego be scratched. But... that is beyond the point. I was contacted by Mr. Hale. A... partnership had just opened up with Mann. Co."

"What kind of partnership?"

"You remember back a few years ago when some of your colleagues abandoned their job and formed their own little clique... OWN?"

"Those goldbricks?! What about them?"

"You see... OWN Medic has agreed to help us in this war. He has a bit of trouble himself. In addition, many of our facilities have had fallen from some attacks. Gentlemen... this is only the beginning... as of tomorrow... you will regroup with the others in an island off the coast of manhattan. Grey has declared all out war on Mann Co and is attacking all facilities. Good luck."

The TV screen flickered off. Everyone in the room started looking at each other.

"So the island itself is mostly rocky and difficult to land except for one place... the beach." Engineer said as he pointed to the map. "We will get there by submarine, a secret passage will allow us to get on the island. Once there we will meet with three other teams to defend the island. It is likely that whatever Gray used last time, he'll do it again. Be careful everyone... the robots will likely set up their teleporters the moment they establish a foothold... my strategy will probably me to hav..."

"WE'RE BURNING DAYLIGHT MAGGOTS. LET'S GO. LET'S GO. LET'S GO. THE PLANE IS WAITING."

"So much for a good plan." Assam muttered as they all went into the truck.

"So this is the island?" Scout asked. "This is rather nice. Yeah... it's rather nice."

"A day at the beach will be nice once we get those tin cans out of the way." Sniper said. "Oi... there's the other teams!"

"Umm... they look just like you all." Darjeeling commented.

"Yeah! It's strange isn't it? We got maybe thousands of guys... and we all look like each other! Ain't it some bloody coincidence?"

"Well... who knows? Maybe I might get to meet my doppelganger."

"You won't." Spy said. "I took a look at them. It seems you're all unique!"

"Well... that's nice... and... Scout?... no wait... other scout?"

"Don't mind him. They're all like that." Spy said guiding her away from the Scout who was drooling a waterfall when he first looked at her. "By the way... about the guy who's leading this operation."

'ATTEN-HUT! MAGGOTS!" A Soldier with a Team Captain, a fancy dress uniform and a Gentlemann's medal called in a megaphone. "Line up troops! The robots are almost here!"

"He's about a few dozen times worse." Spy whispered into Darjeeling's ear.

"NO BARRACK ROOM GOSSIP FRENCHMAN!" The Soldier screamed from his megaphone.

"See what I mean?" Spy asked as they walked to join the rest of the group.

**s ego is.**Now you listen here Frenchie... we don

**s right! Those blokes are getting harder and harder to stop. We are going to need some back up when...**Hudda...hudda...mmmphhh...mmmmph!Pyro says there** Engineer said. s a messenger!**Good day to you gentlemen... and ladies.I am sure you are having... minor difficulties with your job?NO, we are NOT. That will be...Ah hate to say it ma** Engineer said. **

**The TV screen flickered off. Everyone in the room started looking at each other. **

**Engineer said as he pointed to the map. ll do it again. Be careful everyone... the robots will likely set up their teleporters the moment they establish a foothold... my strategy will probably me to hav...**WES GO. LETS GO. THE PLANE IS much for a good this is the island?This is rather nice. Yeah... it

**Sniper said. s the other teams!**Umm... they look just like you ! Itt it? We got maybe thousands of guys... and we all look like each other! Ain

**t.**I took a look at them. It seems you

**s nice... and... Scout?... no wait... other scout?**Donre all like the way... about the guy who

**A Soldier with a Team Captain, a fancy dress uniform and a Gentlemann**Line up troops! The robots are almost here!He** Spy whispered into Darjeeling's ear. **

**The Soldier screamed from his megaphone. **

**Spy asked as they walked to join the rest of the group.**


	8. Chapter 8

"I don't see anything." Darjeeling said as she popped out of the hatch with a pair of binoculars. The beach was clear as of this point.

"Well... that's good. Do your best to hold the beach because when we lose that, the real fight starts within the actual facility." Sniper said. "You're going to have one hard time trying to move that machine of yours around."

"That'll be rather troublesome." Darjeeling muttered as she continued to scan the beach. That was when she heard the explosion.

"What was that?!" Darjeeling picked up her binoculars and scanned the beach... there was nothing. Imagine her immense surprise when Team Captain Soldier landed straight on top of Matilda, about three inches away from landing on her.

"Status report!"

"Wha...what?!"

"I said... give me a STATUS REPORT."

"Ummm... well... you see... the beach is clear. Now have a nice day good sir!" Darjeeling muttered nervously. Something about this Soldier...

"You're not going anywhere yet!" The Soldier ordered. "In all my hundred tours of duty against these damn tin cans, I never expected them to be late!"

"I beg your pardon?"

"AND I NEVER EXPECTED TO HAVE AN UPRIGHT ENGLISHWOMEN WITH A TANK... that's probably a good thing hopefully..."

"Thank you?"

"NO NEED TO THANK ME. NOW YOU GOT A BEACH TO WATCH." The TC Soldier said as he got off Matilda.

Much to Darjeeling's surprise, he aimed a rocket at his feet... pulled the trigger...

and instead of blowing up in million pieces... went soaring into the skies and out of view.

"Wow..." Darjeeling said out loud. "Assam... Orange... did you just see that?"

"Hey!" Scout called as he jumped on Matilda. "Hey! How's it going?"

"Nothing much." Darjeeling said as she sipped from a cup of tea. "We haven't heard from any blooming robots... yet."

"Oh? Well... hey... how would you like to see me with my shirt off? Cause it's awesome!"

"Umm... I'd rather not thank you very much."

"Oh come on... just once? Just this once? I know you'll come back for more later?"

Darjeeling cringed rather visibly when Scout began to reach for his shirt... she was promptly saved when Scout suddenly flew in the air, and was thrown quite the distance.

Spy decloaked and looked back to Darjeeling.

"It seems I am the only spy." Spy said as he sat down beside her. "Was he bothering you?"

"Oh... just a little."

"A little too much?"

"Well..."

"He's always like that. Nothing personal though... I just had to shut him up." Spy stopped for a moment... throwing his arm around Darjeeling's shoulder. "So... seen anything yet?"

"Nothing. Blooming robots seem to have gone fishing."

"They'll be here." Spy said. "How about a small... walk on the beach once this is done?"  
"Sounds great!" Darjeeling said watching Scout pace slowly up the hill. "Well... he doesn't look too happy."

"I wouldn't expect him to be." Spy replied as he got off of Matilda. "Hello Scout."

"You bastard." Scout replied as he walked away, turning back to see Spy speaking with Darjeeling again. He could only glare his daggers of hatred at Spy.

[About forty five minutes later.]

"Can't see a bloody thing." Sniper said as he looked at the shoreline. "All I hear is that noise..."

"What noise?" Safe N' Sound Engineer replied.

"That damn music you're playing."

"It's not that loud! Yer just imagining things."

"Oh am I? It's loud as hell!"

"Now come on fella... next thing you'll be imagining is a shoreline full of robots..."

He didn't get to finish sentence as he slumped over dead from a sniper bullet.

"BLIMEY! ROBOTS!" Sniper called as he went to sound the alarm.

"INCOMING!"

"INCOMING!"

'INCOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGG!"

The volley of grenades caused the good portion of the mercenaries to duck their heads down or get blown to bloody pieces.

"Giant!" TC Soldier announced as he saw the giant demomen advance up the beach. "Listen here.. I WANT THOSE GIANTS TO BE SCRAP METAL BEFORE..."

The sound of matilda firing filled the air, as one of the giant demomen was torn in half.

"Now that's more like it!" TC Soldier grinned as he blew his banner while being pocketed by a medic, the rest of his team followed him to fight the oncoming horde.

"They're going to get torn to pieces like that!" Orange Pekoe announced as she watched the mercenaries battle what seemed like hundreds of robots.

"Aye... that's why we need to help. Aim for those big buggers." Darjeeling said as she took out a pair of binoculars and gestured for Assam to fire.

"NO GUTS, NO GLORY ROBOTS!" Soldier screamed as he hit a heavy with a crit shovel, killing him quickly. He screamed in victory and then in pain once the bullet hit him in the head, killing him instantly.

"Do not break rank men!" TC Soldier ordered as he watched a stray scout get burned alive. "Team 6! I want you to hit their flanks!"

"Jawohl!"

"Have at them lads!"

"Sir yes sir!"

"Yes sir!"

"Alright... alright!"

"Let's do this!"

"You there! Pyro, Engie, Doc and Demoman, you're with me! We charge through their lines. Everyone else, cover us! You there! Dar...darling...whatever your name is... keep an eye out for tanks... and..."

He didn't get to finish his sentence. Rising out of the water was what looked like a tank... save it walked on four massive spider-like legs and had two arrays of rocket launchers which sent a barrage right behind him, killing everyone who was not immediately with him.

"TEAM 6! WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?! THERE IS A..."

"Pinned down! HEEEEELLLLPPPP!"

"Damn it boys!" TC Soldier cursed as he watched the robot approach. "Darling! Kill that robot! That is an order!"

"On it mate." Darjeeling replied as she motioned for Matilda to get closer. The two machines engaging in an exchange of fire. 

"They got us!" Assam muttered as she grabbed the fire extinguisher.

"There, there love... a little scorched hull plating never hurt anyone." Darjeeling said calmly as she took another peak. "That monster is rather tough. Fire!"

The shell from the Matilda hit the spider-like robot in one of it's sides, crippling one of it's rocket launchers. It retaliated by firing five more rockets at Matilda, which took the hits at it's full force.

"This isn't good!" Assam commented as she watched Orange Pekoe loading another shell.

"Relax!" Darjeeling said as she took a look. "That bugger is almost dead!"

"Yeah... so are we!"

"Quiet! One more hit and that thing becomes scrap metal!"

****

They didn't exactly notice the spies behind Matilda. 


	9. Chapter 9

"I hit it!" Orange Pekoe announced as the dust cleared. "And the blighter is still not dead!"

"Well... try again until it is!" Darjeeling said irritated at the robot. Opening the hatch, she climbed a top to get a better view of their foe who certainly had seen better days. The large spider-like tank was missing one of it's rocket launchers along with several instances of hull plating. It was a miracle that it was still somehow functioning.

"Engineer!" Darjeeling called from the din of machine gun fire and explosions. "Matilda might need some help!"

"On it miss... SPAH!"

Darjeeling's stomach lurched when she heard the decloak sound. Turning around quickly, she reached into her pocket for her revolver, but the robot spy already had it's gun out aimed straight for her head... she turned around watching the spy about to pull it's trigger.

There was a gunshot... Darjeeling got to see it. She saw the robot slump over. Dead.

"Madame? How are you doing?" Spy asked as he blew out his smoking revolver.

"Great!" Darjeeling said sarcastically as the two barely avoided a rocket. "Are you hitting...wha..."

To put into prescriptive about what she just saw... Engineer did nothing but pull out his wrench, slap Matilda with it, and the hull instantly was fixed... Okay.

"Hey Doc! We could use a charge!"

"Jawohl." Medic said as he pulled out his kritzkreig and aimed it at Matilda. "I am fully charged!"

"This is it!" Spy said as they turned to face the robot which had finished reloading it's rocket launchers. "At your pleasure doctor!"

The switch was flipped, and the shell fired.

"We did it!" Engineer cried happily as he watched the robot being shredded in two. "Boy was that close."

"Engineer! Watch out!" Darjeeling called out as she spotted a long giant crit soldier.

"Oh... momma..."

But just before the Soldier could fire its rocket at the hapless texan, a loud scream came from the sky, as if someone had forget their parachute.

Instead... it was TC Soldier... screaming like he stubbed his toe and armed with a... pair of boots.

He landed on the robot, and the thing just exploded. Just like that. Everyone else that was watching had their jaws hit the ground from sheer amazement.

"And that is how you do it maggots!" TC Soldier screamed. "Now then cowboy, crack some open, I FEEL LIKE CELEBRATING!"

"And I have to say... he really gave the blighters the boot! Literally!" Orange Pekoe said. "Soldier... that was absolutely dazzling!"

"Nothing to it ma'am." TC Soldier replied.

"ABSOLUTELY DAZZLING?! YOU ENGLISHWOMEN WOULD NOT BE ABLE TO..."

"Shut up." TC Soldier glared. "It takes practice... lot's of practice miss! I have done over 100 tours of duty, I have destroyed more than 10,000 robots, these things are NOTHING to me!"

"Nothing to you." Scout mimicked as he hovered by in the background. "Look at me, I am soldier! I stepped on a robot! Bozo probably just did by accident!"

"Jealous?" Spy asked as he walked by, earning him a glare from Scout. But as much as he would love to antagonize the bostonian, he had a better place to be.

With Darjeeling.

"The view is quite fantastic." Darjeeling as the walked on the beach with spy.

"It is... reminds me of France."

"You miss home often?"

"Non. Before I joined with these miscreants, I was always traveling."

"Oh... I see. I wouldn't mind returning to jolly old England though."

"May I ask why?"

"No reason. Guess you can call it homesickness."

"I see... but while you're here in America..." Spy said as his gloved hand wrapped around Darjeeling's bare one. "I'll see to it you have a pleasant stay."

He smiled inwardly with amusement as Darjeeling's face rapidly reddened.

"Come on, let's go for a stroll... the night is still young."

"GO! GO! GO!" Everyone chanted as Demoman and Heavy had their drinking contest on who could down more bottles of beer. The score was 4-4 as the fat Russian competed with the Black Scottish Cyclops.

"Ah bet three grand that Heavy wins!"

"Well, I bet FIVE grand that the fat man wins!"

"NO GAMBLING ALLOWED MAGGOTS."

"Says who?! Who do what we want!" A Scout said insolently. "I bet ten grand that Scotty wins!"

"I always hated the smell of grog." Orange Pekoe muttered as she bit into a cheesecake.

"Hey... who'd you think will win?"

"I am with Soldier on this one..." Orange Pekoe said as she daintily ate another piece of cheesecake. "I don't really think gambling... this type of gambling especially should be allowed."

"That's no fun!" The Scout said as he put a roll of bills in the center. "Come on now!"

"I think I'll stay out of this." Orange Pekoe said as she walked off to where TC Soldier had seated himself. Strange. Despite looking and sounding exactly like the Soldier she had first met, this one was rather...cultured and well-mannered... somewhat at least.

"I am Heavy Weapons Guy." Heavy said to Assam as she examined his gun. "And this... is my weapon. She weighs one hundred fifty kilograms and fires two hundred dollar, custom-tooled cartridges at ten thousand rounds per minute. It costs four hundred thousand dollars to fire this weapon...for twelve seconds."

"Where does all that money come from?" Assam asked.

"It doesn't need money. I get bullets from boxes that appear."

"Oh... right... how does that even work again?"

"Heavy does not know. Heavy does not care. Stop asking things that Heavy does not know. Now listen..."

Assam leaned back, rather interested at Heavy's massive gun... that he somehow could keep in his pockets...

with a sandwich.  
With a shotgun.  
With a various assortment of other stuff... I mean that makes sense right? Holding a 150 KG gun in your pockets?

Yeah... no.

Spy sat down in his recliner and lit himself a cigarette, making sure to clean any sand out from his shoes. Leaning back, he drank a single glass of rich wine and closed his eyes.

He started to dream about Darjeeling. She was lying on her stomach, wearing nothing but a lovely nightgown which exposed her back.  
Spy chuckled to herself, wondering how the Englishwoman would react to such unclean thoughts.

Getting up, he got himself a glass of milk.


	10. Chapter 10

"No more of those tin blighters today." Darjeeling muttered as Matilda pulled back into HQ. "Seems as though the bally fellows decided they wanted to quit. Bad form if I do say myself."

"YOU THERE. REPORT!" Soldier yelled as he jumped on top of Matilda, about a few feet away from landing on Darjeeling.

"Well you see." Darjeeling began. "Sir... we're all clear today. Now, please... I just polished the hull... I'd rather not have your muddy boots on Matilda's hull-plating... it is rather bad form to make some sap else to have to do another bally chore again... don't you agree?"

"YOU DO NOT GIVE ME ORDERS YOU PRISSY UPTIGHT ENGLISHWOMAN. I WILL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT IF YOU SPEAK TO ME LIKE THAT AGAIN, I WILL SHOVE MY SHOVEL UP YOUR ASS SO FAR THAT..."

"Oi! Jane! Stop hassling them lassies and help me with these bloody bombs!" Demoman called.

"Jane? That's your name? Well... Jane... it's quite a nice moniker for someone as elegant as yourself." Darjeeling giggled as she watched Soldier do a facepalm.

"Yeah..." The man grumbled as he went off to go help Demoman with his bombs. "Oh... right... meeting at 1400 hours. Don't be late."

"Won't be." Darjeeling replied as she got out of Matilda. "Well old gal, looks like you need another polishing... then chocks away to the meeting!"

"So... when does this meeting start again?" Orange Pekoe asked as she played with a pen as the thirty or so Mercs sat down in the long meeting room. "I am downright bored out of my blooming mind."

"Patience my friend." Darjeeling said as she sipped another cup of tea.

"Patience? It's been almost a bloody hour! This better be rather important if it's going to make us wait this long... Speak of the devil... who in the blazes is that character?"

"Eh... hello!" The Medic in black chuckled nastily. "Good to see some familiar... and new faces..." The last phrase, he grinned at Assam, Darjeeling and Orange Pekoe, the three of them not sure if friendly or malicious.

"YOU! WHAT DO YOU WANT?!" TC Soldier asked as he did something less of jumping on top of him.

"Well... you see... we have a sort of agreement... ja?"

"NO, I DO NOT KNOW ANY KIND OF AGREEMENT WE WOULD HA...aaave... yeah..." TC Soldier grumbled as he saw the paper. He sat down slowly and sulked to himself.

"Now then everybody..." OWN Medic said as he sat down. "You see... ve... are now going to vork together... AGAIN! How fun will zat be?"

"So... who is this bloke?" Assam whispered to Soldier.

"A damn traitor!" Soldier hissed back. "I am going to claw my way down his throat and tear out his very soul!"

"Vould you like to try herr Soldat? I can fink of no better way then to get you to SHUT UP." Medic replied as he hit his fist on the table.

"We'll do this later... mark my words fritz... I will have your head!"

"Ha! Ve'll see about that... but... I didn't come here just to argue with you fools... you see... I am here because I have to tell you something... we... and by we... I mean Kaptain Soldier here and I vill have to take a team to defend his favorite place..."

"Favorite place?" Orange Pekoe asked under her breath. "What would that be?"

HIGHTOWER!

"Listen up you three... you're going to have some... problems..." TC Soldier said as he explained Hightower. "Hightower... as you can probably guess... is one massive tower in the center of the battlefield. Those robots are going to enter the place by a massive bridge that crosses over from the canyon... unfortunatly... this map is narrow... your tank is going to have some minor problems getting around... and may or may not be able to go up some ramps... careful."

"Is that it?" Darjeeling asked.

"Should be. The only other thing is that the robots seem to be getting new tricks..." TC Soldier said as he got his stuff. "We'll give those tin-cans hell... though something that the robot's new tank isn't the only new trick they have."

* * *

"This is worse than trench warfare!" Darjeeling commented as she ducked to avoid being shot by the sniper rifle. Looking up, she saw the falling metal bodies.

"Who knew they'd learn how to rocket jump?!" Scout whined as he hid behind Matilda.

"And the BLOODY SODA POPPER SCOUTS." Demoman raged as he began his sticky spam. "THOSE BLOODY SCOUTS!"

"Giant incoming!" Darjeeling said. "Assam! Light the blighter up!"

"On it..."

"WAIT... NO WA..."

The massive Demoman received an uber the moment Assam pulled the trigger, the metal titan approached them, it's movement unimpeded by the minigun and explosive fire.

"Ah! Bad!" Heavy screamed as he watched his bullets do nothing against the metal titan. "Tiny giant is killing our team!" He cried in horror as he watched a Soldier get blown to bits.

"What the blooming heck is that god-awful sound?" Orange Pekoe asked as she poked her head up. "Oh..."

There he was again. TC Soldier screaming like he stubbed his toe wearing nothing but a pair of boots and armed with nothing but a shovel. The moment his foot hit the Demoman on the head was the same moment his shovel struck home. The giant exploded in a shower of sparks, followed by another explosion, as Soldier rocket-jumped into the air, back at Matilda, but not before hitting an enemy rocket jumping robot straight out of mid-air.

"And that is how you do it maggots!" Soldier announced. "Give 'em hell boys... and girls!"

"LAST ONE ALIVE, LOCK THE DOOR!" Other Soldier screamed as he blew his banner and sounded the charge, much to Darjeeling and Orange Pekoe's advice, Matilda glowed a bright light green.

"Up and at them! What're you waiting for ladies?! Permission to kill the enemy?!" TC Soldier cried. "MOVE THIS THING UP!"

"On it!" Assam said as she drove the tank forward.

"Fire!" Darjeeling ordered as they sighted an enemy tank. Said tank promptly had its treads knocked off and exploded into a heap of scrap metal.

"And that is what I want to see!" TC Soldier said as he took off his mantreads and took out a shotgun. "Go! Go! Go! Charge!"

"Hey... ah need a ride!" Engineer said as he was quickly given a lift. "Thanks!"

"My pleasure." Darjeeling replied as the Texan fired at a few passing robots. "Alright, Assam, bring her forward!"

"Ah see a giant! Kill it!... no... Two...Three... OH MY GOD!" TC Soldier ordered... "TAKE COVER!"

The crockets flew out of the crit Soldiers' rocket launcher... slowly going for Matilda...

"Merciful lord..." Darjeeling whimpered as the crockets edged closer... Matilda was too large and too slow to dodge all of them.

Just before it hit them, a massive white screen appeared out of nowhere to shield the group. Not a single soul was injured in the blasts that followed.

"Needed help frauleins?" OWN Medic asked as his shield faded while readying the kritzkrieg. "Now then... GO GET THEM!"

* * *

**"You know chapesses... I might just like that old bean." Darjeeling commented at the end of the day, while they were busy polishing Matilda. **


	11. Chapter 11

"My lord! You're a mess!" Darjeeling said as she dusted off spy who's overcoat was in shreds.

"All in a day's work." Spy grumbled as he put on a fresh and undamaged coat while he threw his old one into the trash. "Robots..."

"Tea?" Darjeeling asked as she poured herself a cup of Earl Grey.

"I'd prefer coffee." Spy said. "But... I'll take it. Merci."

"Welcome." Darjeeling replied as she spread some jam on a muffin. "That was rather close was it?"

"They're getting better." Spy said as he took a bite of a teacake. "Damn... that's bad news for all of us... since when did their pyros know how to use flare gun AND flamethrower?"

"I have no idea... Sit down Assam... you look famished."

"Well... I am." The quiet girl replied as she sat down and dainty began to eat a piece of cheesecake. "Spy... regarding that black Medic..."

"That damn traitor!" Spy grumbled. Irony.

"Why do you hate him again?" Assam asked as she daintily wiped her chin.

"It's a long story." Spy said as he finished his tea. "But... let's just say he decided to turn on the rest of us for some damn reason I don't even care to know... he did things... forget it." The Frenchman got up, having lost his appetite.

"Where's he going?" Orange Pekoe asked.

"Who knows?" Assam whispered as she sipped a teacup daintily.

"Yo..." Scout said nervously as Darjeeling passed by.

"Good day Scout." Darjeeling smiled warmly. "I was just wondering, how are you today?"

"Yeah... I am alright." Scout said, glad that medic just patched him up a few minutes ago or he would have looked a mess.

"Have you seen Medic?"

"Doc? He's right in his office... with the other docs..."

"What about that new one? The one in black?"

"That scumbag? Why you wanna see him?"

"Just would like to speak with the chap. Now... do you know where he is? I have to hurry, I'd really appreciate it if you would tell me."

"Oh... well... down there. The black door." Scout said, she was gone before he could saything more. "God damn it..."

Darjeeling straightened her collar and tie, making sure that every last detail about her was perfect. Rubbing her hands together, she gently knocked on the black door that had a large sign in red letters "DO NOT DISTURB".

No answer.

She knocked again, this time with a bit more firmness.

Still no answer.

Wondering whether or not Scout had no clue what he was talking about or if that sign meant business, she knocked one last time, loud enough to make Soldier or Heavy look silent.

"WHAT?!" The german-accented voice yelled in annoyance. "Did somevone not care to read the sign?!"  
"I read it good sir, I was wondering if I may have a word with you herr doctor." Darjeeling said, doing her best to continue sounding professional.

"Come in." The voice replied, less agitated but still... pretty pissed off.

OWN Medic had set himself up in one of the rooms that overlooked the rest of the facility. Manhattan after all was still somewhat new to him, he had decided to fight his war with BLU and RED, not Mann Co. Now, he fought his war against his former patron for reasons unbeknownst to everyone, probably even to his own men as far as everyone else was concerned.

"What?!" The Medic in black asked, annoyed that Darjeeling hadn't exactly read his sign. Or more accurately, decided not to take it seriously.

"I was just wondering... I hope you don't mind, about these men... you don't seem to be a popular bloke amongst them?"

"Nein." Medic said, not showing at all that he gave a damn about the conversation. He lit a cigarette for himself, something Darjeeling would remark as ironic. A doctor who smokes. That's something you don't see everyday.

"Would you care to explain why? If... that's alright with your goodself of course."

"Vell..."

The man leaned back, stroking his chin.

"Mind pouring me some scotch?"

Now a doctor who drinks. Extra ironic.

Pouring the Medic his scotch, Darjeeling pulled a cup of tea from...out...of...her... pockets. I guess, when we think about it, it makes more sense than pulling miniguns and rocket launchers from out of your pockets.

"Well?"

"Nein. You wouldn't understand. Not that anyone does."

"Well... please?"

"Oh... to hell with it. Fine."

* * *

"So... what did he tell you?" Assam whispered the next day as they sat on Matilda. Despite the fact that the sun was up high in the sky for all to see, it was rather chilly.

"Well. That bloke may be the smartest man I've ever met." Darjeeling said. "He is a bookworm... and, I will now say, that the only thing that matches his intelligence is how boring he is when he talks. We sat down for three hours, and I think I fell asleep on the third minute."

"He talks slowly?"

"Slowly and quietly. It's even more effective than counting sheep."

"So... any of the blighters today?" Orange Pekoe asked.

"Not sure." Darjeeling replied as she took a pair of binoculars. "Hopefully not. This Hightower place makes it hard to move around."

"I agree... but since they're not here. They said we could practice... what the heck are those bombs doing here?"

"Practice missy!" TC soldier said as he landed on Matilda. "We've divided into two teams. You are on RED! We are to push those bombs into the enemies hatches!"

"Umm... wait but won't they..."

"Dummy targets. Now come on!"

"Oh alright." Darjeeling said as Matilda moved to RED Spawn (A door large enough for the tank magically appeared in that side of the map overnight. Do not question the logic of Video games or anime.)

"So... who's on our team?" Darjeeling asked.

"A various assortment of classes... but it's who's on their team..."

She heard a rather familiar voice.

"I AM GOING TO STRANGLE YOU UPTIGHT ENGLISHWOMEN WITH YOUR OWN TAMPONS."

"Oh god..."


	12. Chapter 12

"Thanks cowboy." Darjeeling said as engineer hit Matilda with a wrench somehow causing the fire to go out and the dents to disappear revealing a sparkly new hull... ummmmm what?

That aside now, Matilda soon found itself by the bottom areas of the map, right in front of the small shack. It began to lay down some support fire for the rest of the team, as both sides found their carts right on top of each other's causing mass confusion and hilarity to occur. Ranging from one of the Scouts to accidently going to the wrong cart, to Demoman sticky spamming the wrong side of the map.

"Another round if you please." Darjeeling said as she sipped a cup of tea. "Looks like that our old friend, the Scottish grenadier is back. He doesn't look happy.

"I AM GOING TO BLAST YOU LASSIES INTO THIN GLUE!" Demoman slurred as he ran towards them. "YAARRR... LET'S DO IT!"

"The cheeky blighters!" Orange Pekoe hissed angrily as she heard the sounds of Matilda's hull plating taking a beating. "Engineer JUST fixed that!"

"I think he's dead." Assam said. "Yeah... poor chap."

"We're going to be too if we don't do something!" Orange Pekoe said as a pipe hit the top of Matilda.

"Calm down." Darjeeling said firmly. "When I say so... but... start backing up will ya?"

* * *

"Come back and fight lassies! I am not done with ya ladies yet!"

"Hey numpty!" Darjeeling called. "Eat this!"

"Huh... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" The massive explosion blowing the black, scottish cyclops skyhigh. He comically landed about ten seconds later, twitching in pain on the ground.

"Ow."

"Sorry love. Just a game hopefully." Darjeeling said as Demoman had to "sit" through respawn again.

"Hey... need help pushing!" Scout said as he hopped on Matilda. "Overalls got his stupid crap set up."

"Well... we're on it." Darjeeling said.

"Oh... and watch out for Soldier."

"Yeah... we know." Darjeeling said.

"SCOTLAND IS NOT A REAL COUNTRY. YOU ARE AN ENGLISHMAN WITH A DRESS!" Soldier taunted as he slapped Demoman with his shovel, sending the scotsman into orbit. Turning around, he sent a shotgun blast straight into Pyro's face, taking the masked man (or woman)'s head off.

"I JUST TORE YOU A NEW CHIMNEY, SMOKEY JOE." The Soldier said as he made a mock salute. He turned around as he heard the rumbling sounds of a tank.

"HEY YOU. YES YOU THREE. AWWW... AM I TOO VIOLENT FOR YOU THREE UPTIGHT ENGLISHWOMEN!? COME ON NOW, YOU ARE NOT GOING TO TURN MY BATTLEFIELD INTO A TEA PA... AUUUUUUUUGHHHHHHHHHHH..."

"Thanks for standing still wanker!" Sniper said as he waved cheerfully at his corpse.

"Quite large mouth he has." Darjeeling said as they destroyed the other team's Engineer's sentry nest.

"Too bad his brains aren't as big as his mouth!"

"HEY LOBSTERBACKS!" Soldier screamed. "GET SERVED!"

"What in the wor..."

She didn't get to finish her sentence, as Matilda and her crew were destroyed by the crit rockets. The moment she died... however... a familiar crackling noise rang out.

* * *

"What the bloody hell?" Sniper asked, not believing his eyes. He didn't happen to notice the blue dot going up to his head.

"YOU LOBSTERBACKS JUST GOT SERVED ON A SILVER PLATTER!"

"For the love of christ... shut up..." Orange Pekoe muttered as she took another sip of her tea.

"YOU PRISSY GIRLS DO NOT KNOW WAR. YOU DO NOT KNOW ME! I SPENT TEN YEARS FIGHTING IN WORLD WAR 2..."

"Soldier... the second world war only lasted for six years." Darjeeling said.

"THAT'S WHAT THOSE DAMN NAZIS TRIED TELLING ME. YOU SHOULD NOT LISTEN TO THOSE DAMN KRAUTS..."

"Umm... Soldier... the only did last six years." Scout said.

"DON'T TELL ME YOU'VE BEEN LISTENING TO FRITZ TOO?!"

"Soldier... it's six years." Engineer said.

"WHAT?! YOU TOO?! I THOUGHT CANADIANS WERE NEUTRAL!"

"What... Soldier... are we on the moon right now?" Darjeeling asked.

"YES WE ARE."

"Okay... I think that explains a lot." Darjeeling said as she went back to her tea. "Humph. Lobsterbacks."

"So are we redcoats too?" Orange Pekoe joked.

"Don't give him ideas!"

"Mission begins in ten seconds."

"I'll see you three REDCOATS on the battlefield. I'll send MY CONDOLENCES TO THE QUEEN OF ENGLAND THAT HER MAJESTY SHOULD SEND MEN TO FIGHT NEXT TIME."

"How rude." Assam muttered.

"Alright... let's have at it." Darjeeling said as she turned the corner. "Sentry twelve 'o clock.

"On it." Assam said as she opened fire, she was promptly rewarded with a "sentry down!" from the Engineer.

"AAAAHHHH! TANK IS KILLING OUR TEAM!" Other Heavy screamed. "CHARGE ME DOCTOR!"

"I am fully char...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUGHHHHHHHHHHH." Medic screamed as the knife entered his back. Spy grinned impudently at Heavy.

"Where is your doctor now?!"

"You... yes you! You are dead!" Heavy threatened as he spun up Sasha.

"I think not." Spy said as Matilda fired her main cannon. He got an excellent view of Heavy flying up into the sky, screaming loudly while his bottom caught on fire.

The Frenchman burst into tears from laughing, but while he was bent over and hysterical in humor, a rocket hit him, sending him here, there and everywhere.

"What a pity..." Darjeeling said. "Wait... it's Soldier! Assam!"

"On it!" The quiet girl replied as she fired again.

"CHARGE ME DOC!" Soldier said the moment the shell almost collided with him. "I AM GOING TO STRANGLE YOU ALL WITH YOUR OWN FRILLY TRAINING BRAS!"

"Oh god..." Darjeeling muttered as the thought crossed her mind. After about three seconds, she realized that Soldier had finished reloading.

"Oh lord... back up! Back up!"

The two rockets hit Matilda, scorching her hull plating much to Darjeeling's dismay. The ubered Soldier moved forward, ready to fire once again.

"Guten Tag frauleins! Here!" A Medic in black said as a white beam shot out from his hand. When Soldier unleashed his barrage of rockets, they collided against the hull of Matilda, doing absolutely nothing.

"What the?"

"So... I heard the Yankees lost the game this round!" Darjeeling said as she watched Soldier's uber fade. Assam knew just when to fire.

* * *

"You should have seen the look on your face...sir." Darjeeling grinned impudently at Soldier who was sulking at the end of the table.

"More...meat!" Soldier complained as he shoved a ham into his face. "Feel bad... need more meat!"

"Hey, to be fair, you had a medic." Sniper said.

"So did he." Assam whispered.

"You know... how about... I STILL CANNOT BELIEVE YOU KILLED ME. I am a disgrace to America!" Soldier said as he started wailing inconsolably.

"There, there. I am certain that they're all jolly glad you served in the blooming army! I pity whatever german that got in your way!"

"Yeah...yeah..." Soldier said as he sniffed.

"So... can we let bygones be bygones?" Darjeeling asked, knowing this would probably the only time where Soldier was not angry to the point where he'd murder someone.

"Okay fine. Only because America likes Britain." Soldier said. "I WOULD GIVE YOU HAIRCUTS... but... damn... I need boys!"

**"Ummm... what?!"**

"It's nothing." Scout said. "This one time, he opened up a barber shop."

"Then rounded up every boy from age 8 to 18 in town and shaved their heads." Spy said. "Some of their parents... mon dieu."

"Oh..." Darjeeling said, not wanting to think about what Soldier said too much.

"It's okay. He never committed anything too atrocious." Spy reassured.

"Yeah... that's quite comforting!" Darjeeling said as she got up.

"Where you going?" Scout asked.

"Off to see Medic."

"Why you wanna see that lousy bastard?"

"Nothing. He's a good team player."

"Team player?! That backstabbing wretch?" Spy asked shocked. Irony.

"Yeah... now if you chaps will excuse me..."


	13. Chapter 13

[About 1 week later]

"So... that's the last of the blighters?" Orange Pekoe asked as she scanned the area around. "About time... what?"

"I believe so... one can never be too sure though..." Darjeeling commented. "Scout. You got anything?"

"Nope!"

"Medic?"

"Nein."

"Well... I guess that means it is clear..."

"Thank the lord, I was getting rather tired of cleaning up Matilda after these brawls." Pekoe commented.

"A little polishing the hull never hurt anyone." Darjeeling muttered. "How about I do the polishing, you can clean the interior?"

"Sounds good." Orange Pekoe replied. "What's Assam doing?"

"She get's a break."

"Of course..."

"Hey, all work and no play makes Jack quite the lame boy." Darjeeling replied as she continued watching the horizon. To her satisfaction she heard the voice on the intercom.

"All robots have been eliminated, good work ladies and gentlemen."

"I suppose before we go back, a few more practice rounds here on good old hightower?"

"Bee's knees."

* * *

"Sorry mate. The scottish grenadier isn't one of the world's greatest heroes." Assam chuckled mischievously as she saw the Demoman fly sky-high into the air.

"HEY LOBSTERBACKS! I'LL HAVE YOU SERVED UP IN THAT TIN-CAN!" Soldier taunted as he scrambled for cover. The explosion had nearly caught him in the blast as well, and he was more than glad that he at least had his life, which Demoman did not.

"Tommies beats the Yankees anyday of the week good sir!"

"WE'LL SEE ABOUT THAT YOU TEA-FILLED, BISCUET-EATING WENCHES!" Sniper yelled as he too went to find a better spot.

"What?" Darjeeling asked. "That rather long... and unnecessary."

"Who cares?" Orange Pekoe asked as she loaded another shell. "Should we show the good chap why we englishwomen are the best her majesty has?"

"If you can find him. He's long gone." Assam said as she took a look around. "Darn."

"Tragic." Darjeeling commented as she took a sip out of her tea. "It's okay. We can find some other poor sap that Matilda can give a dashed good walloping."

"Like that Frenchman?"

"That sneaky devil has one coming." Darjeeling commented. "Light the chap up!"

* * *

"You know mates, I'd never have expected anything like that." Assam muttered as she sipped her tea. "My head still hurts."

"As they say, all warfare is based off of deception. He pulled quite the good one if I say so myself." Darjeeling said. "I can still feel it too. My back..."

"

YOU ENGLISH LADIES DON'T KNOW HOW TO TAKE A KNIFE TO THE SPINE LIKE A MAN!"

"I am certain screaming and then dying is exactly what you do." Darjeeling replied nonchalantly.

"Oui, Monsieur Soldier screams the loudest out of everyone." Spy said as he appeared out of NOWHERE, causing Darjeeling to gingerly check her back for knives.

"

Please tell me you don't keep track of those details."

"I do mademoiselle."

"Blimey." Assam whispered to Darjeeling. "Lunatic much?"

"Who wants to find out? Still a suave type of gentleman though." She whispered back. "So Soldier, got your opinion on Matilda yet?"

"If only I could use it kill Nazis damn it!" Soldier exclaimed. "I'd prefer something AMERICAN though. Though... British wouldn't be BAD if there wasn't so much TEA and CRUMPETS."

"Well, you're probably not going to have such a good time in that case then." Darjeeling replied. "By the way, where's that Medic gone off to? I couldn't find the bloke anywhere."

"Who?"

"The Medic in black?"

"Who cares?" Scout said as he walked in. "I don't. Soldier doesn't. Spy doesn't. And you probably shouldn't either. That rat sneaks off every night."

"How rude..." Assam muttered. "Well, it's 11:00 PM and I am tired. I am off to bed. See you chaps in the morning."

"I guess I'll get some shuteye too." Darjeeling said. "You too Pekoe?"

"Aye."

* * *

"WHAT THE HELL?! REALLY?!" Demoman screamed with frustration. "WHAT THE BLOODY HELL IS UP WITH THIS?!"

"What's wrong now?" Scout asked.

"Seems to be Demo's got a problem with the door?"

"The bloody door won't open!" Demoman said.

"Lock looks broken..." Engineer said. "Well... I guess we can fix it later..."

Getting his shotgun, he aimed right for the knob. The moment he did so...

"What dumb son of a bitch made a giant hole in the wall?!"

Even better yet, which dumb son of a bitch let a horde of robots right in here?!

"This is going to be rough. Matilda isn't able to move through in there!"

"And I am not sure about you two, but I don't want to find out how many bullets I can take before dying."

"And that is why you ladies will take the tank and STOP THIS MESS RIGHT NOW!" TC Soldier said as he walked in. Even after only about fifteen minutes, the Soldier already had killed more robots than his entire team combined.

"On it like a bullet." Darjeeling said as she took Matilda out for a spin.

Okay... did were Grey's NORMAL tanks firing at her?

Because as it seems... they just been given an upgrade.


	14. Chapter 14

"Again?!" Sniper asked as he saw Matilda being driven back by a mob of tanks. "The bloody wankers get another upgrade?!"

"Those tanks are getting mean!" Engineer pointed out as he saw Matilda taking some rather heavy fire. "Building a sentry!"

"We're gonna need more at zis rate!" Medic said as he ducked to avoid being hit by machinegun fire. "Heavy!"

"Da."

"Uber!"

"Very well!"

The medi-gun read 25%.

"These blighters get another upgrade!" Orange Pekoe complained as she loaded another shell. "How long are we going to last against this?!"

"Not very long I am afraid." Darjeeling said as she came down. "We're going to have to pull back."

Matilda moved back, firing a single shell that tore off the tracks of one of the enemy tanks. Matilda herself however, was a mess, with scratched paint and dents in the hull, almost moments away from destruction.

* * *

"Bad news guys." Sniper said as he looked out of his scope. "Tin-heads have a horde of robots coming our way!"

"More of them?" Soldier exclaimed as he walked in missing an arm. "Medic! Heal me so we can blast these tin-heads back to the STONE AGE."

"No can do herr soldier!" Medic replied as he tended to Heavy, Scout and Demoman. "Where is the rest of zhe team?!"

"Either dead or respawning." O.W.N Medic said as he walked in. "Zhe situation is bad. Zhe robots are beginning to overrun zhe facility und we can't hold zem off."

"Vell... help me heal zem!"

"Ja."

The medic in black went over to assist his fellow doctor who went into a closet to grab a Kritzkrieg and a few uber canteens.

The meter read 98% charged.

"Engineer!" Darjeeling called as Matilda took another hit. "I think now would be a good time to come and help!"

"Mah sentry!" Engineer said as he watched it being destroyed. "I am com..."

The sniper bullet hit the texan so hard, he did a 360 spin before falling ot the ground dead.

"Just great..." Darjeeling muttered underneath her breath. "At this rate, Matilda will be a scrap of rubbish before long."

"And us with it." Assam muttered along. "So... how long's the wait again?"

"Like over a minute for us. The blokes will be long at the hatch before the..."

"I AM FULLY CHARGED!" Medic screamed as the Medi-gun connected with Matilda. He flipped the switch and used his canteen.

The crit shell fired at the robot horde.

One of them a medic.

Who flipped a switch.

And a massive grey shield appeared. The shell exploding harmlessly.

Darjeeling felt her jaw drop to the ground. But at that same moment, she saw eight crit rockets flying right for her.

[Mann Co. Headquarters]

"Our rates are down by 0.25%! How did this happen?" Saxton Hale asked as he blasted into hte face of his accountant.

"Well sir... we lost at least eight facilities since last month... and..."

"I don't need reasons! I need to know how the hell we're going to fix this..."

The phone rang as he was in mid-sentence much to Hale's annoyance.

"NO ONE INTERRUPTS ME DURING MY ANGRY RAVING DAMN IT!" He screamed into the phone.

"Angry over the losses Hale?" Gray taunted over the phone. "You know, if you're going to play dirty too, give me a call and maybe we should have been partners. That damn machine had my army on the ropes until I called in some upgrades."

"GO TO HELL HIPPY. I AM NOT LOOKING FOR A PARTNERSHIP."

"Neither was I. Well... good luck... Saxton... FAIL."

RAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE... wait.

"Wait a bloody moment..." Saxton Hale said as he stopped yelling insanely and began to stroke his beard. "Called in upgrades..."

"What is it sir?"

"Well... you see... if that Hippy can get upgrades... why can't I? Now I know just what we need. We need more things manly and less things hippy. Now what's manlier than big guns and such?"

"Sir...?"

"Get on the line. I want more guns! More ammo! More things that explode!"

* * *

"Can't catch a blooming break these days can't we mates?" Darjeeling said as she wrapped the bandages around her head. "Blooming robots got us... again."

"WE DON'T NEED A BRITISH ANNOUNCER. I LIKE THE ONE WHO SCREAMS AND YELLS A LOT."

"And we don't need an unskilled soldier." Spy chimed in.

"WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY FRENCHIE?!"

"I say your incompetence cost us a good facility!"

"My incompetence?! At least I didn't hide under a white flag you coward!"

"And I got something done idiot!"

"You are a coward spy! You are not helpful!"

"Both of ye lads are useless. I remember sitting by MYSELF to deal with a bloody army of tin cans!"

"Shut up Demo." Engineer said as he played his guitar. "No one wants another fig..."

Too late. The room erupted into loud yelling, screaming and the occasional fist fight.

"This team is falling apart." Darjeeling said as she watched the doors swing open. It was TC Soldier.

"STOP FIGHTING MAGGOTS. SAVE IT FOR THE ENEMY!" He ordered as he pried Scout off of Heavy. "Now then... those robots got new toys... and you what? I got good news! So do we... now first off... hey Medic!"

"Ja?"

"Not you. OWN Medic."

No answer.

"Own Medic?"

No answer.

"Where the hell did he go?"

"I saw him with a ton of machines and going to get a ca..car..."

"WAIT WHAT?!"


End file.
